Do You Have a Sec?

Dear You,

Sure I have time. I have time for lots of things. Reading, learning, evolving, despising....take your pick. To answer your question, I DO have a sec, but I don't really want to give it to you. I apologize in advance for not caring, but as you walked by me several times this morning, attempting to work up the courage to start this story, I could sense that if you did get the gall to tell me your story, even you would be bored senseless. Up until this point, I appreciate your ability to withhold your monotonous diatribe about Lord knows what through the lisp of broken teeth. But now you have crossed the line. You asked me how I was doing, and by doing so you have given me the option of being honest. A large list of replies has come to mind, all of which would normally get a fist to my face by just about anyone else but you.

Am I interested in your story? To put it bluntly, no. If that is hard to understand, let me ask you this. Are you interested in animal husbandry, the mating habits of the aardvark, or dating the Olsen twins? If you answered yes to any of those, I feel for you on so many levels, I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am. As excited as you are to have another human being listen to you discuss your wireless bandwidth, I am as excited to listen to it as I am to be cathed by Triple H. I want to feign interest in your life as bad as Angelina Jolie wants breast cancer. Unfortunately, I cannot remove you prophylactically without going to jail but that doesn't make you any less of a tumor in my life. You are like a scab that won't heal or a zit on my forehead at age 40. I don't know why you are here right now. It surely is not because I appear to care. If there was ever a time for an act of God, now would be it.

So as you take a breath before you start you next line of bullshit, let me just stop you and say, fuck off. I do not believe you are getting paid to discuss Dungeons and Dragons with me, there will be no D&D focus group because 10-year olds aren't allowed in the plant. I don't want to hear about how you are the first person in the Western United States to get 10GB/sec download speed wifi on your iPhone 10. That phone doesn't exist and I know for a fact your trailer's metal skirting would interfere with the reception on something as massive as 10 gigs. As much as I can appreciate you finally wanting to get your driver's license so you can save money by not taking public transportation, stop waiting for me to verbalize my accolades to you for said achievement. You will be waiting a long time before I say "nice job for seeking personal growth." No offense, but people don't start driving at your age, they retire. I suppose it is easier to pack your Legos in the trunk of your own car for both storage and transport than it is in an ABC Taxi Service vehicle. I am hesitant, however, to drive on the same roads as you since driving is mostly common sense and you demonstrate your grasp of common sense as well as Lindsay Lohan demonstrates sobriety. Pardon me if I question your desire to operate a big piece of metal. The cabbie might not be from around here, may not have a GED equivalent, and might even have a felony or two on his record, but at least he has experience. Some things are best being left for other people to do.

In conclusion, I propose we play a game. Imagine I just said that like the dude from Saw because the outcome, at least in my mind, is very similar. Let's pretend I am not here. Since you are into fantasy shit, assume I have my invisibility cloak on and I have level 35 mage skills. Pretend I can vaporize you speaking elven. Whatever it is that makes you avoid me like you avoid personal hygiene....do THAT. I will be happier and that is the important part in this scenario. I hate to pull rank on you....but level 35 mages trump level 8 elves every day of the week and twice on Sunday. It's been 30 years since I played Dungeons and Dragons, but even I know that.

Sincerely,

Me