Passenger of Size

I heard this term about a year ago. I was flying somewhere on a Southwest flight and was approached by the flight attendant who informed me that "there was a passenger of size coming on board." I initially thought, thanks for the tip. Who cares? The thought also crossed my mind that, I was already on board, why warn ME? However, after peeking over my seat and seeing all of the heads that were occupying seats in the front of the plane, it quickly occurred to me that the only empty seats were the two next to me. Oh hell. So much for comfort.

Have you ever ridden in a van or bus and felt the bus sway as people got on? Well, after the attendant told me I would soon have a "passenger of size" joining me, I started to read the in-flight magazine which, as you may already know, is free for passengers to take with them as they leave the airplane, just in case the bathrooms in the terminal are not properly stocked with toilet paper. A moment later, the plane listed to port. I looked out the window to see what fissure was swallowing the plane whole, when I noticed a large man walking down the aisle of the plane. Let me rephrase that. He was side-stepping down the aisle, introducing his ass to one side and his crotch to the other. He reminded me of Paul Bunyan times two. Better yet, I think he ate his ox Blue. To say he was a passenger of size was an understatement. He had his own zip code and wore a mailbox for a hat. I can't be sure but he was either wearing a feather in his hat or had outgoing mail. He was wearing a flannel shirt about the size of Vermont and cut off jean shorts that dwarf Rhode Island. His shoe size was Cadillac and wore Big Ben on his wrist. It looked like he had not shaved in...I don't know....a few seconds. The toilet paper Band-Aid had not fallen off yet (otherwise known as a twin bed mattress) but there was stubble all over his face. I would guess his adrenal gland produced enough testosterone to fill a sun spot. He stood about 6'7" and easily weighed four and half bills. As soon as he sat down next to me, I felt myself pee in my pants a little from his gravitational pull. He asked the flight attendant for 2 seat belt extenders and used the MALE end of the middle seat belt, plus the extenders, and the FEMALE end of his own belt. Even though he was a quarter mile away from me, I felt cramped. His knees pushed up against the seats in front of him, almost to the point where the person sitting in that seat could check the person in front of THEM for hair lice. I think I felt myself shiver.

As we were taxiing out of the terminal, I caught him leering at me out of the corner of his eye and I turned to look at him. "How you doin'?" I told him I was fine, but just scared that we would not have enough ground speed to lift off. Only thinking the latter and not saying it outloud, I turned and looked out my window, praying to God that the moons orbiting his mailbox would stop hitting my shoulder. If he was a deer, and a Southwest 737 were the hunter, he could have easily been tied down on top of the plane with a few hundred yards of bungee. About 15 minutes into the flight, I feigned sleep simply to avoid having to talk to someone whom I might as well been in bed with. A few minutes later, I heard the wing start to crack. I turned to look and saw that Slim was sound asleep, snoring up a storm and drooling Lake Erie. Only and hour or so to go.....its all down hill from here.

If a flight attendant approaches you and says there will be a "passenger of size" joining you, remember the above, and go on standby for another flight. Trust me. You stay dryer that way.