Dear Lindsay Lohan

Eat.

For the love of God, please...eat. Eat something other than your cig butts or used match sticks. Stop washing them down with Red Bull. I am getting tired of watching you deteriorate faster than Clay Aiken's career. I don't even really want to discuss your seemingly bizarre sexuality. You are as lost as Mike Vick at the humane society. If nothing else...grab a Jr. Bacon cheeseburger at any fast food joint for a buck. Hell, get two tacos for 99 cents. I fear that a wind could possibly take you far, far away.

Wait...no, this is bad. Have some lipids and wash it down with some Crisco. Put something back on your bones other than freckled skin. FYI....some freckles are OK. I now know where all of the sun spots have gone. Thin is in I guess but you are more than thin. You are the richest P.O.W. I have ever seen. People who starve themselves just aren't smart. Of course, seeing your movie script choices explains a lot about how manhole covers are NOT something you need to be walking close to.

People that look like you suffer from one of three things. First, they have an eating disorder. I am not sure if you are getting back at your parents by only eating bearded clam and drinking Red Bulls for all of the times they drug you to camp as a kid. Maybe that isn't the problem. Maybe you are #2...a drug addict? The difference between you and Amy Winehouse is at least you wipe your nose before saying hello to the paparazzi. Maybe you just suffer from dysentery, the third reason you currently rival a Sudanese mother of 14. Whatever the reason, all of the above require some sort of medical intervention. You have bucks. Hell, you can get this taken care of real fast. Ever seen the movie "Super Size Me?" Best movie ever. Better than "Parent Trap," or "Georgia Rule," or any of the other shallow, meaningless drivel that you have made throughout your movie "career."

Please, take a break from making my eyes bleed and eat. Do us all a favor so we can actually start considering you a 3D human. That would really make my day.