COVID Karen

This COVID-19 ha created a serious hoarding problem. Before it began, I always thought the Costco packs of toilet paper were a bit excessive. Not so much that you have 30 rolls of toilet paper but that you have to store a Mini Cooper...somewhere. Then COVID hit. One pack turned into 10 packages which would equate to a real-life Tetris game in your shopping cart. Not to mention you need to be running because the people who didn't get toilet paper are fast behind you hoping you hit a crack in the concrete and you eat shit sending "gold nuggets" flying to the floor. I imagine it would look a lot like someone dropping a tray of casino chips on the casino floor. Those around you are not helping you pick up your stash. You are flat out getting jacked. Same principle. Why toilet paper, though? Hoard Orville Redenbacher or Tostitos and salsa. Shit, goldfish crackers for the win...but COVID doesn't liquify your stool or cause IBS. I laughed at the Costco lines and the people sitting for hours to go inside and find out they ran out of toilet paper 8 minutes after opening. Almost like a Clay Aiken concert on Ticketmaster. Not quite fast enough.

Then, water became an issue. Just in case COVID became a water-borne illness, cases and cases of water were loaded into the shopping carts. This is the worst shopping spree ever. "Karen, you will have 60 minutes to fill your cart with anything you'd like. It's on us. Ready?? FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO!" TP and water....and an aggravated sciatica...all in 8 minutes. Why not drink tap water? Well, those answers will vary. The government is spiking our water for population control, or just 'COVID.' Either answer makes my balls shrink up inside my stomach. Best birth control in the world is watching humanity fuck itself. People don't realize that the empty bottles go in a landfill and where this is one dipshit with 5 cases of water, surely there are thousands more, thousands of bottles; you get the idea. Unless people are melting the plastic down to make meth spoons? Nevermind. Those two instances blow me away at the level of stupidity that now exists thanks to COVID. We can't even hoard properly. My wife wanted a jar of grapefruit slices. We got to Costco and the line was around the back of the building. Nope...I'll can the shit myself, but I'm not waiting in line 5 hours to get that, or anything really.

Really, the WORST thing I have come across are the armchair doctors who got their medical training on Google parting the Red Sea with their logic on how to keep people healthy out in public. While in Safeway, I had a cart of 19 items. I was standing in line in a regular check out line which happened to be right next to the Express line (15 items or less). I don't inconvenience other people because I feel entitled. But there is Karen, wearing ski goggles, a clothespin pinching her nose, and a respirator mask with two cartridge-less canister holes, staring at me and inviting me over to the Express lane. The conversation went a little like this...

Karen - You can come over to this line (waives hand, clothespin wiggling with every....fucking....wave).

Me - Nah, I am OK. I have more than 15 items.

Karen - It's OK, she isn't counting them (waves some more, wiggle wiggle wiggle)

Me - No thank you. Going skiing later?

Karen - (turns to accompanying male) Why doesn't he just come over here? Is he special or something? (turns back to me)

Me - I'm right here. I can hear you. Is that 'special' reference a smack on my lack of desire in having you stand behind me with your Nightmare Before Christmas attire? Or is it more chromosomal in nature?

Karen - I just think it's weird you won't come over to this line.

Me - I think it's weird that you are wearing ski goggles and a clothespin with the underwear still attached.

Karen - (touches clothespin). There's no underwear there.

Me - (rolls eyes). No shit Karen

Karen - How did you know my name was Karen?

Me - (laughing) Just a guess.. Could have been your Safeway name tag (no actual name tag, but she looked anyway), could have been your ski goggles, your lack of social tact, your desire to control shit that is none of your business, your clothespin, your mittens or your mismatched socks. There are a plethora of things about you that make you Karen, from head to toe. The fact you actually ARE named Karen, well shit, that's just a gift, really. Is there a BOLO out on you?

Karen - BOLO?

Me - Be on the lookout....for Karen, the COVID nightmare. You buy your shit, I will buy mine, in this line, where your nose isn't going to mistakenly end up tickling my asshole.

Karen - (stares silently at me)

Stay safe in the world of COVID Karen and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, take the medical professional's advice when it relates to washing your hands. Karen's has the cleanest mittens in town.