Wicked Witches

Something wicked this way comes. I sensed it the minute I pulled my mask down to lick my fingers so I could get a produce bag open. It was almost like slow motion. As I replaced my mask and looked up, two masked beings levitated in my direction, effortlessly sidestepping the produce stands. They may have even blurred a little as they shape-shifted towards the potatoes.

"Sir, did you lick your fingerssshisssssss?"

I shuddered a little. Remember Clash of the Titans? The hero has to go see three old, blind witches that share an eye? These two spirit people reminded me of those witches. Also, I am pretty sure whichever one asked me that question voiced Golem in Lord of the Rings. Stupid Hobbitseses. I answered the "woman's" question with an astounding "absolutely, I licked my fingers." I felt something hit my face. It was the first drop of shit from the inevitable storm that is to follow.

We sat there in silence for a second or two, me wondering what my penalty was for licking my fingers (not that I gave a shit) and them, maybe, not expecting the fact that brutal honesty is a thing with me. The shorter fog-lady seemed to look around, maybe trying to find someone in authority who could come listen to their tale and chastise me for trying to open a slippery produce bag without saliva. She quickly found this poor late-teens box boy and summoned him over to our soiree.

"Sir, this man licked his fingers to open his produce bag." I made eye contact with the kid and we shared the same thought.

Thing two piped in and asked what he was going to do about it. Sweat began to bead on this poor kid's forehead. He swallowed hard. A tumbleweed blew by us as we stood in awkward silence wondering what was going to happen next. I decided it was time to break the silence and I peered to look at the shoulder of one of the witches. They jolted backward as if I had pulled my junk out. To calm them I simply stated I was looking for the symbol of the Third Reich. They gazed in awe, shocked that I would say such a thing. Box boy smiled, almost laughed. Thing one sneered at the box boy who quickly bowed his head down to avoid being turned into a newt. I asked out loud "do you believe wearing masks protects you or me or even Lester here (points to poor box boy) from the plague? Both them proudly exclaimed YES. (clears throat)

"Cool. Me too. But you need to cover your mouth AND nose. Leaving your nose exposed causes droplets that bypass those gnarly hairs to enter my space. Phlegm or no phlegm, you are potentially infecting those around you by policing the bagging practices of the patrons in this establishment while leaving your nose exposed. Since you aren't outwardly Third Reich I can only blame your overconfidence on your mainstream media addiction for your fact gathering. Leaving your nose exposed is like fucking with the top of the condom cut off, wondering why your pussy lips look like they grew a beard and it feels like you're pissing needles. Speaking of which, is there any tread on those tires or is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway? A little advice for you that box boy would agree with but can't lest he lose his job. This is a grocery store. Go get some groceries. As it stands now, it appears you are passing the time getting in everyone's business because you have nothing better to do. Get a cart or a basket. Start with aisle 3 where there is nose hair removal kits and wart removal for the pre-cancerous lesion on your left nostril. Pull your masks up ladies...your witch is showing.