Just.....Don't....

This COVID thing has inspired me to bet my Ph.D. in common sense. Celebrities have a platform, sadly, and I am not sure they are using it properly. Animal rights....OK, fine. Do that. Focus on something productive. But profiting off of the COVID crisis by recommending face masks "that work," well, I would rather spend the night in a graveyard. It's like taking marital advice from a Beverly Hills housewife. If you have an audience, choose something people can get behind. Also, AUDIENCE....the shit celebrities say is not fucking gold. Don't be a lemming. Don't leap because they said so. Case in point...

I cannot recall which celebrity said it. I saw it on Instagram (mistake number one) and there she was, sitting in her vehicle pitching the crocheted, knitted mask on her face, no surgical mask underneath and she said something like "if you have to go out in public, go out in style." Can you say that into my good ear? That thing has more holes in it than the Warren Commission report. I know you have lots of money and stuff, but in the video, your husband/boyfriend and child(ren) had on surgical masks, suggested by the CDC as better than....well, what you have. The tolerance of your chauffeur indicates that either you don't have a gag reflex or your royalty checks are enough to satiate his desire to hit you in the face with a brick. Whatever the case, a knitted face mask will not stop your man's pearl jam, let alone a viral particle measured in nanometers. Why in the actual FUCK would you suggest this as good advice? Chalk it up to maintain relevance since swallowing a balloon sword got boring. When they said you can "sew your own facemask," it meant using cloth. Not yarn. Sew, not knit. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a twatwaffle. I read that somewhere.

It got worse, though, as a few days later, I saw someone in a grocery store (rhymes with Safeway) wearing a knitted facemask. It was pointy, like an N95 but obviously not an N95. I was leaving, having grabbed the essentials I needed but saw this woman come in, grab a cart, a sani-wipe to wipe the spunk off the handle of her cart, and wander over to the produce section. All of a sudden, I wasn't quite done. I put my bags in a black cart and followed behind her. Over and over again, she pulled her mask down to smell the produce. Odd little fetish. So, I moved across from her smelling the Russet potatoes, my surgical mask pulled off my nose so I could smell, mirroring her EXACT actions with her knitted mask full of viral gateways. My nostril inhales were exaggerated of course, mostly due to my attention-seeking behavior but primarily for her to look my way. I wanted her to say it, to ask me why I was removing my CDC approved level 3 surgical mask to smell produce. We did this waltz for a couple of minutes and she finally stopped to watch what I was doing, leering like a Siamese cat waiting to fuck up some curtains when no one was looking and blame the parakeet. Then it came..."what are you doing?" I replied that I was smelling produce....because it was Thursday and my therapist indicated it is fruit smelling day...and all the bars are closed....so this was plan B. "But why are you pulling your mask down?" Well, because you are. Actually, you don't even need that thing on your face because 3,500,000,000 virus particles can get right through the SMALLEST of those holes on your face. I figured 'when in Rome' and all....so here I am loving the odor of perfume de Pomegranate (sniffs lemon).

I slowly pulled my mask over my face and turned to walk down the aisle, turning slightly as I rounded the corner to see this woman standing there holding a cantaloupe, the hamsters running rapidly inside her head, attempting to fully process her own actions and why some complete stranger thought they were 'copyable.' She looked like Instagram was something her Jitterbug phone could not support. Someone told her that craft day at (insert retirement community here) was mass-producing things to help the public out when in reality, someone should tell the assembly line what they are cranking out is a worse idea than eating the pulled pork sandwich you left in your car during the summertime. Or drinking kiddie pool water. Or tattling on the Clintons. Or covering your genitals in honey and sitting on an ant pile.....