BABY FOOD

The most striking thing about baby food is the extreme duality of quality. There's no such thing as an okay jar of baby food. The beef and carrot medley is vomitous. The applesauce is masterful. Why doesn't grownup applesauce taste like this? Why are they saving the good applesauce for the only people on the planet who won't remember how it tastes? No matter what it is, it is either the shittiest thing you have ever had, or you want to go out and purchase vats of the stuff.

Honestly, babies eat better than most 3rd world countries. I had no idea that puréed beef and vegetables could be the culinary equivalent of mixed cement. Zwieback toast? This is to help babies cut teeth, right? In my opinion, it helps babies cut GUMS, not teeth. If the Titanic was laced with Zwieback toast, the ship would be in harbor somewhere accepting tourists and Irish peasants as stewards. Formula? This is infant Slim Fast, with 0% of the flavor. Parents wonder why infants cry as they begin to suckle on the nipple containing bile. As new parents are enthralled with testing everything baby eats to see what HE tastes, I can assure you of a few things:

Breast milk is for the baby, not you. As erotic as it might seem to suck on a engorged, lactating breast, don't. If post-partum has not set in yet, the scene of you running to vomit in the bathroom after affectionately making out with your wife's breast will surely send her into a tail spin.

Formula is a substitute of the above, and also has the same distaste. Even if you think it looks like a warm vanilla milkshake, it isn't. It is more like luke-warm Elmer's glue. Some of you may have found this to be an elementary delicacy (pun intended), however, like a child learning to love vegetable as they get older, the opposite is true of formula. It tasted like ass as an infant, and now you recognize the ass taste. Save yourself the trouble. Drink beer.

Don't think that infant poop is relative to the size of the baby. It comes out in volumes, and I don't mean ounces, I mean barrels. If baby crap could be packaged and sold as an alternative to gasoline, Earth Watch hippies would be irrelevant, greenhorns could climb out of the Redwoods, and the Democratic Party would be obsolete. Oh yeah, and it stinks.....BAD! You think OTHER people's babies stink? Think what they say about your offspring's feces. The odor magnifies, too, when it comes in contact with a 3rd party's hand, IE, YOUR hand, and it takes a skunk to make the smell go away.

Sleeping like a baby is a bullshit term. Babies don't sleep, ever. They only nap for about the first 18 years. A real 8 hour night of sleep comes for parents when they go on vacation. Odd how grown ups spend thousands of dollars to go to the Caribbean, only packing sleepwear. Those who say, "Ohhhhhh gonna have some love makin this week," obviously don't have kids. Magellan, these boxers are to sleep in, that nighty is for HER to sleep in, and we will come back refreshed.

Nothing like going to the dentist for a root canal, just to get laughing gas......