Carnies

I love carnies. I think they should have their own kingdom. I witnessed a wagon train of carnies the other day that I thought would be worth mentioning. I remember as a kid I was terrified of this creature because they always looked so mean. Back when I was seven, toothless, greasy, and smoking meant mean.

For those of you that have been under a rock your whole lives, a carny is a nomad, a gypsy, that travels place to place, erecting large death traps, and making sure little Johnny is THAT tall so he can ride the skull crusher. I mean that in a literal sense as spinning around in a circle at 664 miles per hour has a tendency to crush bone. In other words, a carny is the person that stands by the ride, and makes sure he has smoked enough cigarettes to displace the Queen Anne, foregoing your child's safety, at any of the local carnivals that come into town once a week. Carnies take your tickets. You don't hand them your ticket, and say thank you. They take it from you, pissed off that their dental plan cannot keep up with the rate and/or degree of tooth loss. There is no thank you. It goes beyond the mono-syllabic vocabulary of a carny. How do you become a carny? Well, there are specific things king carnies look for in an underling, least of which is a bar of soap. Heartbeats are vital to becoming a carny. However, in the same stank breath, you must smoke 6 cartons of filter less cigarettes a day. To a carny, filters create a challenge for the cancer cells to raid their bodies. If carnies are nothing, they are accommodating.

You must own clothes that are tattered beyond recognition. If a prospective carny's clothes are too new, I would suggest running them over with a John Deere a few times. This includes the jeans. You must also bathe in motor oil and allow the oil to air dry. Yes, it may take several weeks for the oil to evaporate, but I can assure you, the lasting effect will guarantee you a job at the carnival. A carny must own only one pair of footwear. This can be any size, shape and color, but they must be the same shoes you grew up in. This always means that the toes of the shoes are gone, and their feet have grown beyond the end of the shoe, exposing what most would hope are either NO socks, or tattered socks. Please read above on how one can tatter their clothing.

No toiletries are allowed while being a carny, so if you are being groomed to be a carny (IE an ex-felon that cannot get a job, owe back taxes and want to be paid under the table, or any other varying felonious activities have prevented you from holding a real job), then stop showering, brushing your teeth, using toilet paper, and remain diligent on your strict diet of methamphetamine, coffee, and Camels. In six months, once the molars have deteriorated, you can rest assured that your new carny career will skyrocket like the X10.

If being a carny is for you, please visit the carny headhunting site at www.ilostmyvirginitytomyauntatagesix.com for an application package. Please allow 7-22 years for processing. Our Cro-Magnon staff is working hard to make sure that all applications are processed in a speedy manner