A post before my son was born...

This one is sort of old, but I had to post it in my blog for, more or less, humor purposes....


Most of you, somewhere around the 98% range, do not have kids. The majority of that percentage should consider maintaining that pattern. Me, on the other hand have two, and another one due sometime in the spring. I have an 8 year old from marriage #1, and an 18 month old from marriage 2, and the 3rd, before you fuckers say, "#3," is from the mother of the 2nd one. Yes she is my wife, thank you. All daughters...yeah I know....fuck off.

About a month ago, we went to the pediatrician, who noticed that she is in the 5th percentile in weight, 50th percentile in height, and 88th percentile in head circumference. Read that again, close your eyes, and see if you also picture a toothpick with an orange on top. I did, and I laughed. She is completely normal looking, but still, that analogy fit the description perfectly. The doc said not to worry and since about 6 teeth were coming in on top, and her molars on the bottom, they suggested to offer food, milk and soft foods, she would come around eventually. Soon, finicky turned into voracious.

**MY POINT** You know how you eat corn and miraculously, it looks whole coming out in your shit and about the only thing missing is the cob? Try chili with and 18 month old. Not 5-alarm chili or spicy chili. Mostly she ate kidney, pinto, northern and black beans, plus some beef. She drank four kid cups of milk. To you braniacs, that equates to about 16 ounces. Mind you, most of her meals in the last two weeks have been rather time consuming. I will just say she is eating like she should, and losing weight should no longer be an issue. However, the following afternoon, she passed the chili. Not graciously OR lady-like. One big push, and I-90 was soon to be re-paved. I wasn't prepared for the stench, nor the girth of this shit, literally. I expected to have her wake up from her nap, smiling as usual, waving and saying, "HIIIIIIII," from the top of her lungs. However, I opened her door, and a back draft of flatulence about knocked me on the floor. She looked at me, pinched her nose and said, "stinky," notably the world's largest understatement to date.

I picked her up, cradling the back of her legs as I always do, yet my arm underneath felt a tad.....damp? Then the smell came again. I placed her on her changing table, knowing that I was about to witness a diaper blowout. I took of her pants, her again telling me it was "stinky," as if the peeling paint wasn't enough of a reminder. I peeled the diaper back to witness that the chili came out the same way it went in.....WHOLE! Kidney beans, black beans, pintos and northerns all there as if they were never chewed, an act I witnessed as I fed her. For the first time in my life, I saw a party in someone else's pants, and I did not want to be invited. My 18-month old shit bigger than a 50-year old on Metamucil.No I did not take pictures....

MORAL - Chew your food? Fuck that idea. Save time and swallow whole. It will all come out in the end....literally.