Nothing aggravates me more than people who leave their shopping carts out in the parking lot, simply because.....they are LAZY! It happens all of the time. We really wonder why other countries hate us? It has nothing to do with our political beliefs, our desire to have worldwide democracy....it is because people in Mosul want a shopping cart so bad, yet us Americans simply do not VALUE our carts enough to send them home. OK, maybe not THAT, but still, it PISSES ME OFF!

This morning, I dropped my wife off at Albertson's at 7AM to run in and get diapers. I pulled around and parked in a stall next to a cart drop place. You know those places. There are other carts there and there is usually a big sign that says "PLEASE USE SOME DAMN COURTESY AND DROP YOUR CARTS OFF HERE YOU LAZY SHITS!" Huge giveaway. Oh no. That makes too much sense. I saw a lady rushing out of the store with a shopping cart, filled to the brim with mostly AIR and ONE plastic bag, filled no doubt with vinegar/water douche. Holy shit. I could see the strain in her face when she was pushing such a load through the parking lot. God bless her.

Upon further investigation, I noticed that she did, in fact, have both arms and they were not prosthetics. No hooks, just hands. The kind that can easily grasp a couple of plastic bag handles, therefore leaving the CART in the store! Nope, again, this made too much sense. What does she do? She grabs the bag, unlocks her door, pushes the cart just in front of and to the left of her car, gets in, starts her car and drives away. The return cart bin was 10 feet away! She parked next to the damn thing. Let me tell you something else. There were no cars in between her and the bin as Albertson's is bare at 7AM. She was way too busy to be bothered to return her cart to it's proper place. I looked up lazy in the dictionary. It had no words, just a picture of this dumb bitch leaving her cart next to her car. I thought it was rather fitting.

It gets worse when going to WalMart. Which is sad, since elderly employees have to go through the parking lot and collect freezing cold, metal carts. Nothing like making your 401K work for you. Not only do the handicapped have it MADE at WalMart (they have 100 spaces to every 1 regular parking stall), they also are the largest employee base that WalMart has. I thought Title IX was restrictive. It's almost like Sam Walton's dying wish was to employ only those either needing adult diapers or missing a chromosome. I sort of got off track there, but I had to make a point that I get scared when I walk through the doors, mindless zombies pushing carts at me before I even get into the store.

DO YOU NEED A CART! HELLO! DO YOU NEED A CART!

No...thank you

WOULD YOU LIKE A STICKER FOR YOUR CHILD!?!?!?!?!?!

Child? I am by myself

DO YOU WANT A RETURN STICKER FOR YOUR PANTS???!?!

What?

ARE YOU RETURNING YOUR PANTS??!?!?!

No....I am wearing them

YOU NEED THIS TO RETURN YOUR PANTS!!!!




It happens far too often. Not the punching but the harassment going into that place. The commercials are bullshit. "We love working at WalMart," says the 80-year old man. Yeah, well, it must not be corporate policy to screen for abnormal behavior because I have never seen a smiling old man working there. It is more like a drooling shell of a human being standing in a puddle of urine.

Just rambling....have a good day! =)

NEW WARNING ON APPLE JUICE

I think there should be a surgeon general's warning on all apple juice containers that states consumption of this beverage can cause serious diarrhea in adults. My daughter, who is fast approaching 3-years old, drinks this stuff like it is going out of style. I try to avoid it for two reasons. One, if there is none left when she wants some, she gets all bent out of shape and will not accept any other liquid refreshment without some serious selling on my part. Two, it is just a bunch of empty calories that I would like to avoid. This weekend, however, I thought it sounded good, so I had a glass. It tasted so good, being I have not had it in a while, so I had another. This was not a large glass mind you. Maybe twelve ounces per. I drank these Saturday morning.

By Saturday evening, I began to feel as if I had an army of tapeworms planning an invasion of the neighborhood and my rectum was the gathering point. Hollywood finds serious diarrhea attacks humorous. I have to admit, on film, they are funny. Guy pisses off girl. Girls makes him a protein shake pouring in "SUPER COLON BLOW" and mixing it in. Guy drinks it because it is yummy. Forty five minutes later, guy is blasting farts and sweating, attempting to hold back his watery doom. Five minutes after that, he is chasing down a waste basket to crap in. Yes, very funny...until you are in a check out line at WalMart, and wondering what brown salsa looks like spewn all over the beige tile. Not pretty, and I can assure you that there was no order in the court of tapeworms in my bowel. They were oppressed, and they were not going to miss out on the coup de tat about ready to take place. The problem was, I WAS at Wally World, and my check out clerk was a frickin mental giant that would give the Elephant Man a run for his money in the intelligence department. Slow speech, slow to act, sweat beading on my forehead. "Are you Ok, fella?" No....fella...I'm not OK. I am crowning over here. The tapeworms have the numbers, and I am weak in the Keegle area, so can we push this along? I haven't received my SPHINCTER OF STEEL video in the mail yet and am about ready to have a fiesta in my shorts and everyone in this line is invited, whether or not they want to attend, so SCAN, HIPPIE!

I have issues in leaving $168 in groceries, already paid for hanging out, unattended in front of the restroom, so I planned on waiting until I got home to relieve myself. I figured that it was a 10 minute trip back to my front door and I was young enough to hold this back. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, there is a train crossing on the way home. I never run into problems with the way I came, so I thought I would not on the way home. WRONG! I missed that rule in Murphy's Law book. Rule #350 - when you have apple juice induced diarrhea, you will always find a train traveling at 4 miles per hour to hold you back. Now I was really sweating. I felt like Starr Jones in a buffet line after her stomach reduction surgery. After an additional 17 minutes, I was on my way.

I pulled into the garage like I was hurrying to save my family from a burning building and ran into the bathroom. Dumb and Dumber, the movie, came to mind. Super Colon Blow? I might have well mistaken a block of chocolate Ex-lax for a Hershey Bar. Remember that, too, because there is no warning on the label telling you that, if more than 8 ounces of apple juice is consumed in any given 24 hour period, you may feel like you are dying.

I have written my incontinent senator to complain. We'll see what happens....