You Know You Are Washed Up When....

Remember the movie "Splash," where Daryl Hannah was a mermaid and Tom Hanks was a guy? Then Tom Hanks proved his acting ability and got other movie offers and met important people like Steven Spielberg and Daryl Hannah....well, when Daryl acted in that B movie called something like a fruit? I don't remember that either, but there are tell tale signs that your career is in the toilet. For Daryl Hannah, that time is now. When the only camera time you get is on CNN, talking on a cell phone about beaver pelts, clubbing baby seals and plowing the rain forests for pelt storage space, that is the time when you hang 'em up and call it a career.

I don't think playing a mermaid was a big enough stretch to prove acting ability, just like I don't think climbing a big Walnut tree was a push towards greatness. Her resume is shrinking faster then Costanza's wang after a dip in the ocean. If you do not get that reference, then you are probably a fan of Splash. The whole argument for sitting in the tree is skewed from the beginning. I am all for people farming. YAY farmers, OK? But in this vast planet we call Earth, I am sure there are other plots of land that are not worth $16 million to the owner. I believe, AS the owner, this guy can do pretty much anything he wants to. In fact, other tree sitters have had the opportunity to preserve this land if they raised enough money. However, they came up over $10 million short in keeping it. Rules are rules, and for the record, do not depend on fund raising from people that find tree sitting socially gratifying. NEWSFLASH, THEY DO NOT HAVE EXTRA MONEY. They most likely have families to feed. They do this by GOING TO WORK at their DAILY jobs, and contribute to such things as TAXES, 401K and COLLEGE FUNDS. They create their own job security for FUTURE earnings by establishing EXPERIENCE in a given field that will have a NEED for a long period of TIME. Call me crazy, but it has been that way for a long time. As the population grows, it is necessary to build homes, places for people to work, and park as they do, and for people to shop and practice worship, and those people need places to park. Hospitals are built for the sick, not to mention the large plats of land that are used to bury dead people. Haven't these people ever played SIM CITY???

But back to Daryl Hannah. I have some advice for her. I won't tell you you manage money like Pee Wee Herman manages his spare time because that would insult your intelligence. Seems to me you choose causes to stick up for like Colin Farrel does his women. Since your film career is in the toilet, and your resume licks nuts, I can only tell you to get out of the tree and go to the closest fast food joint and mix in a meal. If they give you the super size option....TAKE IT! I know it may be hard to scrape up some spare change, but PLEASEEEEEEEEEE get out of the tree and eat before a gale force wind blows your skinny ass up north and you see what they are doing in the wildlife preserve in Alaska.

Hungry? Grab a Diaper!

If you have dogs, than you know how expensive they can be. Let's forget about the 50 pound bag of food for $50, OK? Lets just talk about the chew toys that keep the dogs attention for just a hair longer than a toddler at Home Depot. What does a Kong go for these days? I think I just paid $10 for a PSEUDO Kong...not even the real deal. This was for a dog that has the jaw strength of T-Rex. Very smart of me, I know. He got bored with that pretty quick. It wasn't so much the boredom, I guess, as it was the fact he turned it into confetti in a matter of 10 minutes. What to do, what to do....

Now, being up higher on the food chain, humans have the ability to make choices. Notice there was no GOOD or BAD choices. I know some people who have the intelligence of a single-cell organism and the only thing missing is the filia to get around. But it has never occurred to me that, if I was bored, or hungry, that a diaper filled with shit and piss would be a yummy snack. I find pieces of it trailing from the trash can and am bewildered by the bad choice. It is kind of like putting cat nip in front of a cat, and then telling the cat "NO" when he goes for it. I have never put a diaper in front of my dog and teased him with it like it was a treat. Yet, like clockwork, once a week or so, I find chewed up diaper. It is beginning to occur to me why my dog coughs like he has a hair ball in the back of his throat. I suppose my body would reject week old fecal matter and nitrogen infested urine crystals too.

So the next time you want to go spend a fortune on items to keep your pet entertained, chuck a diaper at 'em. If you don't have kids, borrow some from the people you work with. Go hang out at WalMart on a weekend and wait by the cart return rack. There is always a used diaper or two in an empty cart. If that doesn't work, buy some Depends Undergarments. Trust me. It is cheaper then going bankrupt buying a Kong a week until arthritis kicks in.