I know that I often complain about the mundane. People have said I should pick and choose my battles. But there comes a time when the law must be laid down. Now is one of those times. I love my family. They all have hearts the size of Vermont. They mean well. But, when my kids go to bed, I put them in bed and walk away. Let me rephrase that. I lay them down in the bed, cover them with one blanket, and I walk away. I do that with both my 1-year old son and his crib, and I do that with my 3-year old daughter and her toddler bed. Plain and simple, or so it seems, until someone else puts them to bed with the complete set of Ken Burn's new documentary on Cricket in the U.K., a satellite dish, a can opener, some packing peanuts, a 70R14 spare tire and a can of tomato juice. Allow me to explain.
I heard my son crying very early this morning. Normally, he rises with the sun, and in this case, he was somewhat on cue, and normally I just go back in and comfort him, letting him know the sun is not going to explode, all is well, and please lay back down because Daddy cannot seem to open his eyes. This trip was different. I went to lay him back down and the source of his aggravation made sense as I saw what was in his sleeping space. 4 blankets, 6 books, a pacifier (which he has never ever used to this point), some packing tape, a change jar, an unopened can of SPAM, a 1168 color box of Crayons, coloring books, a half eaten Subway Club, some shoes and a 5-gallon bucket of base coat from Sherwin Williams. Ok, some of that was made up, like the books.....but, the crib is for sleeping time. It is not a storage space for pack rats. It is not comforting to sleep with a cord of unchopped wood next to you, so for the love of God, why would you want to put a set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica in with a child? We are not in the Polar North, 8 Below...so what is with the 17 layers of blankets? The poor kid was swimming with rayon fibers and Dr. Seuss, times 27. So instead of him saying, "DAD I AM AWAKE AND HUNGRY," his message was different. "DAD....I FOUND ALL OF YOUR SINGLE SOCK PARTNERS, SOME MOON ROCKS AND THE YO-YO YOU LOST WHEN YOU WERE 4..." I scooped up the extraneous items and threw them on the floor, leaving him with one blanket and his body, covered him up and his eyes closed almost instantly, as if to say, "thank you for removing the modeling glue, the fumes were giving me a headache," and off to sleep he went.
But now I have another problem.....the 70R14 spare tire made a hole in the floor when I tossed it out of the crib. Thank God I have extra blankets to cover it....
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
Don't Expect Bliss after THIS!
I heard a story this weekend from a friend of mine. I had to laugh mostly from the visual of phlegm flying in all the wrong places, but mostly because I pictured her reaction when it happened. Imagine yourselves, if you will, standing in an empty Costco warehouse, with the lights off, and you are blindfolded. 50 feet away, 700 pounds of lead pip is dropped 30 feet onto the concrete floor. What would you do? I would imagine, after sidestepping a puddle of piss, and ignoring the fecal smell coming from your shorts, that you would hop, skip and jump far away from the sound. So, remember that feeling as I proceed.
Instead of pipe in a warehouse, imagine you are a woman having her pussy licked and are in the height of pleasure, only to be interrupted by the first reported case of tuberculosis in 25 years? If you smoke, then you will know that sometimes the alveoli in the lungs require less tar and more pockets to hold oxygen. Smoking not only kills you, and makes your breath smell like a moldy brick of Gouda cheese, but it also causes hitches or catches in your breathing. The harder you breathe, the more likely it is you will catch something in your lungs that will cause the dreaded smoker cough and the utmost inconvenient time. Be the woman. close your eyes an realize that what was once a nice, moist clitoris has been replaced with a locked hood covered in lung spew. Hot, huh?
Now how about sex? What if the only emission of passion released from a man is that ashen aura known as Marlboro breath as the intensity heats up, and just before kissing, there is a mad coughing fit. Talk about a mood killer. Pubic hair in your mouth is bad enough, but expelled lung phlegm is a definite no-no. I can only imagine the look on her face.
"OH BABY OH BABY.....ooooooooooooo Sorry
"what the fuck?" Good Lord.....Robitussin DM douche bag! Use it!
The above is not usually labeled as romance by the opposite sex. The example above is not made to make men feel inferior because, well in all reality, we already are. So don't make it worse by inhaling dogshit prior to sex. No need t smoke before AND after. Save it and relish the moment that is in front of. Not long from now, chances are some nonsmoker might snatch up the ass you are tapping because the air flow is clear....
Instead of pipe in a warehouse, imagine you are a woman having her pussy licked and are in the height of pleasure, only to be interrupted by the first reported case of tuberculosis in 25 years? If you smoke, then you will know that sometimes the alveoli in the lungs require less tar and more pockets to hold oxygen. Smoking not only kills you, and makes your breath smell like a moldy brick of Gouda cheese, but it also causes hitches or catches in your breathing. The harder you breathe, the more likely it is you will catch something in your lungs that will cause the dreaded smoker cough and the utmost inconvenient time. Be the woman. close your eyes an realize that what was once a nice, moist clitoris has been replaced with a locked hood covered in lung spew. Hot, huh?
Now how about sex? What if the only emission of passion released from a man is that ashen aura known as Marlboro breath as the intensity heats up, and just before kissing, there is a mad coughing fit. Talk about a mood killer. Pubic hair in your mouth is bad enough, but expelled lung phlegm is a definite no-no. I can only imagine the look on her face.
"OH BABY OH BABY.....ooooooooooooo
"what the fuck?"
The above is not usually labeled as romance by the opposite sex. The example above is not made to make men feel inferior because, well in all reality, we already are. So don't make it worse by inhaling dogshit prior to sex. No need t smoke before AND after. Save it and relish the moment that is in front of. Not long from now, chances are some nonsmoker might snatch up the ass you are tapping because the air flow is clear....
Friday, April 14, 2006
How To Eat Like a College Student
I heard of a great recipe that I just had to share. It is fairly inexpensive, depending on the volume prepared and can last in room temperature for days since it contains 92% preservatives and additives. Ready? This is exciting. It is almost like sharing the winning Lotto numbers. Here goes.
12 cups water
12 chicken bullion cubes
12 hot dogs (not cut up, but whole)
12 chicken breasts (dicing is optional)
12 pounds of pepper to taste
Throw all this shit in a pot and boil it up. Eat.
Now I need to add that there are some food groups missing from this recipe. That's OK. The dysentery alone will make absorption of this meal impossible. The oil glistening on the top of the broth can also serve as an industrial solvent to get out those "hard to reach stain" areas of the space shuttle. Expect flatulence. Not the kind you like to smell yourself, but the kind that require crime scene tape to be put around your home. Most farts expelled after eating this meal will require OSHA approval prior to release. Please consult your local OSHA office for further instructions. The meal serves a dual purpose. All family members can partake in this culinary treat. Hot-dogs for the kids, and a heart chicken soup for the adults. Sort of like frosted mini-wheats. A sweet side for the kid in you, and the whole wheat goodness for the adult in you. This is replaced with LIPS AND ASSHOLES FOR ALL YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, AND I WILL JUST SIT ON THE JOHN FOR A WEEK! It is a time saver for most men as frequent trips to the bathroom give you solace, while your exploding colon keeps you company. I saw a FAQ (frequently asked question) forum board below this recipe and I will post some of the important ones below. Oh, and incidentally on a scale of 1-5, most readers have simply died prior to rating.
Question : I talked to my doctor about keeping this "soup" out overnight and he said that I will get salmonella and die. Is this true? - Betty, 87, Corona, CA
Dear Betty - First of all, at 87, you are going to die anyway, so go out with a bang...literally. Secondly, salmonella is tame compared to the bowel obstruction you are going to get, followed by foul emission from your pores. Best of luck though!
Question : Can I add vegetables to this soup? I don't see any vegetables in the soup. I really like to add a variety of things to my soups. - Rick, 24, San Fran
Dear Rick - yeah.....you like soups so much and you are 24...in San Francisco....this tells me that you are gay. Sure, add vegetables, but I am going to guess you get plenty of fruit in your diet already....homo.
Question : I like to go to the store every day and buy meaningless shit to cook for my family, both with little nutritional value and taste. It seems to me this soup is just right. But my wife, who was born when I was 19, is really an awesome woman who doesn't seem to appreciate my lack of creativity. Any suggestions? - Confused in OR
Dear Confused - this is easy. Die. Eat the soup. Eat nothing else. Be boring....it will all work out the way it is supposed to. This is not creative. This is boring. Ugandans would turn this stuff down. Moron....
(Noodles optional)
12 cups water
12 chicken bullion cubes
12 hot dogs (not cut up, but whole)
12 chicken breasts (dicing is optional)
12 pounds of pepper to taste
Throw all this shit in a pot and boil it up. Eat.
Now I need to add that there are some food groups missing from this recipe. That's OK. The dysentery alone will make absorption of this meal impossible. The oil glistening on the top of the broth can also serve as an industrial solvent to get out those "hard to reach stain" areas of the space shuttle. Expect flatulence. Not the kind you like to smell yourself, but the kind that require crime scene tape to be put around your home. Most farts expelled after eating this meal will require OSHA approval prior to release. Please consult your local OSHA office for further instructions. The meal serves a dual purpose. All family members can partake in this culinary treat. Hot-dogs for the kids, and a heart chicken soup for the adults. Sort of like frosted mini-wheats. A sweet side for the kid in you, and the whole wheat goodness for the adult in you. This is replaced with LIPS AND ASSHOLES FOR ALL YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, AND I WILL JUST SIT ON THE JOHN FOR A WEEK! It is a time saver for most men as frequent trips to the bathroom give you solace, while your exploding colon keeps you company. I saw a FAQ (frequently asked question) forum board below this recipe and I will post some of the important ones below. Oh, and incidentally on a scale of 1-5, most readers have simply died prior to rating.
Question : I talked to my doctor about keeping this "soup" out overnight and he said that I will get salmonella and die. Is this true? - Betty, 87, Corona, CA
Dear Betty - First of all, at 87, you are going to die anyway, so go out with a bang...literally. Secondly, salmonella is tame compared to the bowel obstruction you are going to get, followed by foul emission from your pores. Best of luck though!
Question : Can I add vegetables to this soup? I don't see any vegetables in the soup. I really like to add a variety of things to my soups. - Rick, 24, San Fran
Dear Rick - yeah.....you like soups so much and you are 24...in San Francisco....this tells me that you are gay. Sure, add vegetables, but I am going to guess you get plenty of fruit in your diet already....homo.
Question : I like to go to the store every day and buy meaningless shit to cook for my family, both with little nutritional value and taste. It seems to me this soup is just right. But my wife, who was born when I was 19, is really an awesome woman who doesn't seem to appreciate my lack of creativity. Any suggestions? - Confused in OR
Dear Confused - this is easy. Die. Eat the soup. Eat nothing else. Be boring....it will all work out the way it is supposed to. This is not creative. This is boring. Ugandans would turn this stuff down. Moron....
(Noodles optional)
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