Mentally Challenged

I know a little about nutrition. I know a little about exercise. Practicing poor habits in both is also a specialty of mine. However, because I neglect the aforementioned, does not make me gullible enough to fall for the magic pill.

The HCG diet is the newest craze I overheard something about this weekend. It is similar to the Hollywood diet, POW camps and general neglect for your well-being. I am not sure what is worse, justifying the diet, or actually DOING the diet. To me, both show a lack of knowledge when it comes to how the body works.

When Atkins came out, the principle was pretty simple. If you subtract the main fuel source of your body (carbohydrates), your body will burn the reserve source (fat) for energy. It is like being diabetic. Without the ability to burn simple sugars, or complex sugars for that matter, the body will go to emergency mode and begin burning fat. In a normal person, this process occurs after all other sources have been depleted (glucose, glycogen, etc.). However, cutting out an entire food group is insanity, and BAD for you being that your nervous system functions on carbohydrates ONLY. If you take those away, you get dumber....which explains a lot about a few people.

The HCG diet requires you eat only 530 calories and take a shot of God knows what. WTF?!?!?!?! Doing that ALONE will cause you to lose weight, not to mention atrophy from the lack of protein. People may begin to inquire, not that you are losing weight, but whether or not things are metastasizing in your body. It blows my mind that people spend so much money on the newest and greatest thing in diets. I swear, I need to write a book on why people should go back to kindergarten and learn math. My 6-year old can figure out calorie balance and weight loss/gain.

A (calories in) - B (calories out) = weight loss or gain. Period. End of story. Not sure who would publish it....but that's really all it is.

So why suffer through the turmoil of daily shots in the abdomen? STOP THE INSANITY! It doesn't make any sense to me. If someone has a valid explanation for why this is a good thing, by all means, save it. It won't sell me on what has been a proven fact for a long time. Math doesn't lie. Dare question Nostradamus about it, however, because there is study upon study about why this HCG thig is a great diet. It almost came to blows, at least in my mind. I wanted to pull out the deed to my moon property and see if they would buy it on the spot. I also said I had a stake to a plot in Tombstone to sell. Almost had a bite.

So please, if you are a believer in this diet, I feel for you. I am sorry you are more gullible than a 4-year old at Christmas time. I could put together many things against being retarded. Studies have shown that dumb people die faster. Look at the Darwin Awards. Enough said. I am sure all had signed up for the HCG information seminar. DON'T BE A FOOL! Stay in scho.....wait. Eat right, exercise, die anywa....nope...ummm.....just use some common sense. Balanced diet, plus a walk in the morning and maybe one at night equals a healthy lifestyle. Not the $60 a month you pay to inject sugar water in your adipose and watch the weight melt away.

Please Stop Sending Me CDs...

10/12/09

Dear Time Life,


Thank you for sending me the recent 'Christian Anthem' CD. It arrived about an hour after we hung up the phone. I was amazed how fast the service was. The delivery guy was fast, silent, and was wearing an earpiece and sunglasses on a cloudy day. Regardless, thank you. I appreciate the catalog too. I will look it over and see if there is anything else that might catch my eye.

Sincerely,

Eli


10/13/09

Dear Time Life,


WOW! Three more CDs came today. I was a little shocked to receive them being we have not had enough time to read the catalog. I suppose we can use some travel tunes, but I am not sure my kids will really be into the 'Monk Chants of the St. Barrastille' CD. 'Whale Songs' was interesting. I was wondering if there was ever going to be music on there. I suppose whales are surreal. Thanks again and I look forward to checking out the additional catalog that was left with the CDs. Now my wife can look at one at the same time.

Sincerely,

Eli


10/13/09

Dear Time Life,

Ok, we just got three more CDs. That makes 6 total...just from today. I tried to call your 800 number, but was on hold most of the day. Your commercial says we can cancel any time. I am not sure how to do that other than call. I am thankful for the CDs. This shipment included Christmas music though, and its October. Not sure where you got the idea I wanted these. Oh, and I appreciate the 9 catalogs that came with these 3 CDs. The bathroom can always use more reading material.

Thanks

Eli


10/14/09

Dear Time Life,

I just got a knock on my door and 11 CDs, along with 17 catalogs, spilled into my house. I barely saw the delivery guy running around the corner. From behind, it looked like the same suit from before. I haven't even listened to the 'Christian Anthem' CD I originally ordered because I don't have the time. Does anyone work at your 800 number location? No one seems to answer there. As much as I appreciate the promptness, I believe I need to cancel my shipments from here on out. Company is here. Gotta run. Please cancel. Thanks!


Eli


10/15/09


Time Life,

OK stop! I was expecting visitors from out of town, but instead I got a case of 'Mannheim Steamroller Greatest Hits,' and a case of 'Merle Haggard's Holiday Hits,' plus, there was a bundle of catalogs. I am going to guess there are abolut 300 catalogs in there!!! This is riculous! This needs to stop immediately! I don't think I can take it anymore. I am afraid of my own doorbell. My dog has hip displaysia from running up and down the stairs. People keep asking me if I am moving because of all of the trash I keep sending to the curb in the form of your unsolicited mail. I believe my repeated requests to cease and decist and your ignorance of those requests constitutes some sort of law being broken doesn't it?!?! For the love of GOD, stop sending me CDs. Shit! That's the fucking doorbell!

GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


10/17/09


Dear Time Life,

My name is Warren Stillson. I am the court appointed liason to act on Mr. Brackenbury's behalf. He is currently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation at a local mental facility. I am asking you to please stop sending boxes of CDs and multiple bundles of catalogs. He is no longer able to make rational decisions and as his executor, I am authorized to act on his behalf. If you do not cease and decist immediately, I will be forced to contact God directly to strike you down.

Sincerely,

Warren Stillson, Esq.

I am a MILLIONAIRE!

I couldn't believe the email when I got it. It honestly couldn't have come at a better time either. I am a student. Ramen is expensive. You know the drill. Apparently, I had a relative in Malaysia that passed away in 2007 and left ME, of all the other Brackenbury's in the world, $5.9 million dollars. You know the drill. Maybe this is the first time you have seen an email like this but I get them all the time. I have turned down the GDP of China. Most times I leave them alone. Of course, I needed a break from studying the skull. What better way than to mess with a spammer. So I emailed him back.

Dear Mr. Tanesq,

I assume you meant to label yourself an esquire, making your last name 'Tan.' I'm not sure so I made an executive decision and have decided to call you 'waffles.'

I have a problem., Waffles. I am not sure if it is your sentence structure, your grammar or just my abundance of common sense, but my Donald had way more money than $5.9 million dollars. If I recall, he said he was a billionaire, which makes you a big fat liar. Where is the rest of the money, Waffles? That $5.9 million is my annual dividend from my savings account so I don't really need the money. I may have a better idea.

Here is your WAFFLE MUST DO list. First, find the other money. No I won't split it with you. It's mine. I'm American, the EVIL DOOOOOOOOOOOOER, and I'm selfish. Second, have you seen your dog lately? Might want to check around. Dogs disappear all the time. Third, check your email in about 8-10 hours and your dog might pop up in the form of a cell phone video of my toilet. Just saying.....find my money. Lastly, eat a bullet.....at terminal velocity.

A Generation of Bad Habits

Bone formation 101. Ready? Vitamin D comes from two places. Sunlight and fortified dairy products. Fortified meaning that Vitamin D is ADDED into the product. For example, Milk FORTIFIED with Vitamin D. Vitamin D is important because it aids in the absorption of Calcium. Calcium, coupled with the mineral phosphorous (and trace amounts of other minerals) help build bone and maintain healthy bone density. Weight bearing exercise and proper diet help maintain good bone health.

Cola, be it diet or regular will have an impact on calcium metabolism as the phosphorous contained in the cola is denatured from the beginning. Its kind of like getting a vaccine. The vaccine is usually a cocktail of dead "bugs" that your body can build a resistance to. The phosphorous contained in carbonated cola is a "dead" version, therefore it cannot be used to assist in building good bones. The acid in cola will also eat away tooth enamel. Yes, zero calories. Yes, non-fat, but bad for you.

Your body needs calcium for other things besides strong bones and teeth. Mainly, calcium is used to make sure that the electronic impulses sent from your brain to your heart function properly. Calcium, then, maintains proper nerve impulses for muscle control, primarily the heart beat. If proper blood levels of calcium are not maintained, osteoclast cells are instructed, by the secretion of parathyroid hormone, to break down down tissue (osseous tissue) so the calcium can be used by the body as needed. When levels increase to an acceptable level, parathyroid hormone is turned off, and osteoblasts begin to lay down bone tissue not only to replace what was destroyed for blood levels, but also to grow and repair new bone. Following me?

So, if you ignore breakfast and have a diet Pepsi and Cheetos, forgot to bring your lunch and have a diet Pepsi and tater tots from a gas station hot box, then have a pop tart you found in your car, and a hot dog at Costco for dinner....how much calcium have you had? Since your body did not get enough calcium, it will break down bone to get the calcium it needs. That's just today. Over time, osteoporosis will occur. My guess is that we will have an entire generation of people that will have brittle bones at a very young age. Just a guess.

Time for class.

I Won the Nobel Peace Prize, kinda.

I got a call from the Nobel committee early this morning and was told I had just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Thinking it was just another tactic for bill collectors to get a hold of me, I hung up on them and went back to sleep. Of course, when I turned on the Today Show, I saw that the alternate choice, Barak Obama had taken my place. I was furious! If I had just taken the call seriously, I could have had a wicked medallion to hang around my neck. BLING BLING!

I watched President Obama's news conference when he stated he was shocked and in awe of such an honor and was not sure why he got it. No kidding. That was my award. Do you know how much peace I have brokered around the house? Plenty. I have kept the dog off of visitors, my kids from killing each other, my wife from killing me, the dog and/or the kids. I am peace, 24/7 baby. What did Barak do? According to the Nobel committee, there is less world tension since he was elected President. Apparently the committee has not lived in a communal living environment with kids that use walls as easels, or have neighbors that do the Funky Cold Medina at 11:13PM on a weeknight...right below my kid's room. Talk about peace. I jerked the power cord right off of the neighbors wall and threw the stereo equipment in the bathtub. Not only peace was brokered, but also quiet. Where is my medal?

I tried to reason with the committee when I called them back and told them I honestly thought that the call was a prank. I mean, yes, my apartment is in a state of calm right now because of all the deals I have brokered and my paperboy has healed nicely, but I begged for them to reconsider their decision to give the award to someone less deserving to myself. They wouldn't budge. I explained that even NOBLE citizens such as themselves are susceptible to making grievous mistakes and asked if, being of sound body, this could be one of them. They asked "who is this," with a tone of voice so cavalier that I had to reply "the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize."

They hung up.

I know the medal is gold. I wonder if they give out silver ones?

Understanding Children

I am not sure I will ever understand children. It's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube, at least for me. I have seen many videos on You Tube where someone opens a brand new Rubik's cube, from the package and solves it in like 31 seconds. Yes....still a virgin. Not that sex is important. Just saying.

My son was looking for his coat this morning, whining like a leaky bike tire. He has started adding "uh" at the end of all of his complaints. "I CAN'T FIND IT-UH!" I watch him walk by the thing three times. Monkeys use tools better than him. For example, in order to illuminate things in a dark room, one would flip on a light switch. Not him. He has problem solving skills like passive transport mechanisms. Without a gradient, nothing would happen. The only reason his body goes supine is because gravity does most of the work. I love him, but....well, I love him.

My 6-year old daughter started 1st grade in the public school system. I like public school mostly because any social policing that needs to happen will happen in school....usually. For example, her behavior at home, bossing her brother around because she is older, wiser and a hair taller is instantly negated by a peer-to-be at recess....or not to be, which is the ultimate question. My daughter has the personality to befriend just about anyone....except her sibling. This is normal behavior, mind you, but sometimes, as opposed to separating the two, I just like to listen to the verbal banter that goes back and forth. Peyton saying that Jacob is using her toothbrush and Jacob insisting that his toothbrush is NOT the one with soccer, football and basketballs on it, rather it is the Princess toothbrush. They fight over a stool that allows them closer proximity to the sink, both of which cannot seem to accurately spit their toothpaste into it. It seems every Sunday, I am constantly scraping dried toothpaste off of the bathroom counter.

The sleeping habits of children baffle me. I am not sure if it is just in general, or if it is just my kids that make my balls shrink. My son went to sleep, I mean BED last night around 7:00. About 8:00 pm, I hear this knocking on the wall. I was sure the noise was coming from downstairs as our neighbors will often have a Royal Rumble around that time. My wife got up to go check and to her wondering eyes, my son had a laundry basket laid over the top of his body and he was rocking it back and forth, knocking it against the wall. She removed the basket because, well, who in their right mind wants to have this basket interfere with REM sleep? Apparently my son, who protested its removal by stating "I need that to sleep!" Its like needing with 1812 Overture blaring at 100 decibels so that you can drift off to LALA land. I don't get it.

As I finished studying and went to shut things down, I felt a cold breeze coming up our stairwell. I looked down and noticed that our front door was wide open. I have a bulldog. I hadn't seen our bulldog most of the night. I didn't even check to see if he was inside, mostly because him leaving would mean he would have to jump down from the bed and walk down 17 stairs and then....go out where it is cold. All of these behaviors are atypical for any bulldog to actually want to do on their own. Anyone who owns a bulldog knows that given the choice between moving and remaining stationary, 99% of bulldogs would rather remain prone and motionless. Kind of like Courtney Love during her methadone treatments. I tried to recall when the last time someone came in the front door. It was about 6PM when I told our kids to come in for dinner, 7 hours ago. I am not sure what I am more ashamed of. Them just simply leaving the door open, or me for having my face buried in a book, highlighter in hand, trying to highlight every line of my Anatomy and Physiology book.

I will go with the latter. I still don't understand them. It's like trying to understand why Peyton cries at the notion she has to go to bed without being able to watch a movie. Sometimes she cries just to cry. You ask her why she is crying and, while crying, she answers "I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW," which sets my son off because, well, if his sister can get away with it, so can he. The dog just looks at the chaos, eyes half open, surely thinking, can you all keep it down, I am doing my best to conserve energy. If the country's power was based on the activity of a bulldog, let's just say it would be back to the pioneer days. Boiled water over a cast iron stove....dirt floors, and lots of knitting.

Time for class...

The Tears We Cannot Predict

As silly as this post may start out, buried somewhere within is a message for just about everyone. I hope so anyway. Today was a rough day for me on many different levels. Spiritually, I wonder sometimes why God strikes down His true warriors? If this Earth needs nothing else, it is people who live for Him. I struggle with my walk, I will admit. I believe all humans do a lot during their lives. When I say humans, I don't mean that dogs are not sinless. My dog is full of sin. If crapping in the house is a sin, that dog is going straight to hell.

I play just about every game on Facebook, as a lot of you may know since every major accomplishment in these games prompts a "brag" to all my friends. I will try to keep that to a minimum in the future. Farmville is one of those games. It passes the time for me and gives me a good break from frying my brain with Anatomy and Physiology. In this game you can send farm gifts out to people. You can send fruit trees, white fences, animals, etc. I get a lot from people and send a lot out in return. Tonight I got one and stared at the gift request. I started to cry.

It was from Joe Petty.

I just saw Joe in the hospital today. It was incredibly difficult to see him in the state he was in. I remember Joe. That was not Joe. I can't and won't go into detail about his condition because it is not my place to do so. Not in this medium. Not ever. But he was in no condition to be on the computer. I started crying thinking about him and what his family is going through. I thought about how I could have been in the same boat a few months ago when I was in the hospital. I thought about my kids. I thought about how much I missed my 12-year old in Boise growing up away from me. I thought about the times where I was so mad at my kids I wanted to scream forgetting how blessed I was to have 3 healthy, well-rounded kids. I mostly thought about Joe's kids and what they are going through, not knowing entirely what is wrong with their Dad. His oldest son is in the 7th grade, just like my oldest. He was on the computer in the waiting room when I was there, playing Farmville. I am sure he was the one sending me the gift, playing on his Dad's account, keeping it active for when his Dad gets better.

So I cried.

I went into my kid's bedroom and covered them up and kissed them. I prayed for Savannah, my oldest daughter, and thanked God for bringing her into my life and prayed that she will always be safe even though I cannot always protect her. I prayed for Joe and his family that they are lifted up and kept strong through God's love. I prayed that if God needed a warrior in Heaven, that he spare his family and his kids and take him now. But mostly I cried for the little boy that sent me a blind gift. I didn't know him, but like his Dad, he figured someone could use a gift. So he gave. He gave freely. Little did he know, nor did I, that giving a gift would bring tears.

God bless you Joe.

Be Thankful

Before Facebook came around, I bet there was only a handful of people I kept in contact with after high school. A handful, AT BEST. The more I communicate with people, the more I think to myself....why would were any of you friends with me? Like a lot of friends, I lost touch with me, I suppose. I fell into the category of "trying to find myself." I never really knew what that meant until my keys came up to me the other day, all frustrated that they were late to the ignition because I was cowering under a sofa cushion. This isn't a pity me story. Not at all. Part of the reason I have this blog and that I focus so much on finding humor in everything that happens in life is because a lot of days, I need the outlet to get by. I need to find the humor in the storms passing in and out of my life on a daily basis. I swear, if I didn't, I would explode in some fashion that would closely resemble a very messy supernova of some kind. That is beside the point. Sometimes, most times, I try to be funny because I can. I like making people laugh. It makes my day knowing that somewhere, often times in places I have never visited, someone is reading my words and saying "oh my GOD, that is SO true." That is my hope, my dream I guess, to bind all of this up and make it a novelette of sorts that people can take with them anywhere they go and simply get it.

There are some posts in here that, sometimes even after hilarity, often touch people in places they maybe are afraid to go. Self-reflection is difficult. I am not talking about looking at yourself and saying "I really need to lose 30 pounds." I am talking about going deeper than that. Through all of the skin and bones, to places beyond the walls of your heart, through the eyes of God, really finding out what kind of person you are. When you die, that definition is what will follow you. Will your spirit touch those around you, and maybe those far away, causing them to remember you for being a warm-hearted, compassionate person? Or will they turn the other cheek, huffing because you never let them in, or showed them your true capability to love something more than yourself? Being we can never expect the unexpected, don't you think its time people know who you are?

Being I am not perfect, anything I say, any pseudo-advice I give is meant for me as much as it is for anyone. Did you tell your kids you love them? Did you thank your parents for packing all that crap up every summer and hauling you and your friends to camp? Have you told your significant other that the words "I appreciate you" don't really apply to them because they aren't enough? Are you thankful? Did you praise God, even through the tough times, for challenging you and helping your faith grow, knowing full well that the trial was just that, a test of faith? How are your relationships? Life is all about the relationships we make and maintain, the latter being the most important. Never underestimate the power of friendship, the power of prayer in that circle of friends. Never forget that they are there for you, and the times you think you are alone that you are never alone. Don't go another day thinking that no one loves you, that no one cares, that your imperfections are some sort of ailment that causes you to be inferior. You are not the only one with fears, who is terrified of the day, wondering how you are going to screw it up.

Every day above ground is a day to give thanks for. Every....single....day. Those days are numbered. We never know when the last day will be. It is scary to think about and even more scary to know that it is a fact. We will all shuffle off this mortal coil. What will your eulogy say? Who will talk about you? Is your life worth celebrating?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.

Will you have made a difference in somebody's life other than your own?

Help

I had someone tell me that, although the blog was funny, I seemed to be complaining about things that happen to everyone, every day. He follows the blog but thought I complained a little too much. I am not sure how to take that comment, really. It has sort of thrown me for a loop. I have never, in the four years that I have had this blog, had someone be critical of it's content. I am not admonishing this individual. I respect his, and anyone's opinion on the material I publish. Notwithstanding his comment, I DO complain a lot, about things that DO happen to everyone, at some point in their life, past, present and most likely, future. I suppose in my mind my opinion on the matter may make the occurrence more enjoyable for the person experiencing some idiocy, hence the name of the blog 'In My Opinion.' As stated, I have a TON of respect for this person, for where his life was growing up and where he has taken his passion. I envy his vigor. But, yes...loop. I was thrown into this vast emptiness called writer's block. I needed "good" humor. I thought what I provided was good humor. In retrospect, I suppose I was complaining. Now I am rambling. Must find good humor.

To me, good humor is complaining. It is either this medium or risk confinement by having these tirades out in open public. For example, going downstairs to the lower apartment dwelling family and complain to them that their parenting skills could use some work, just like Perez Hilton could use a treadmill, or some Stridex or maybe have his voice box removed. How is it possible that small kids are up at 11PM? It's like they play Rock Band 24/7. Go to bed already. One of the kids knocked on my door and then went back into his apartment. Why? For fun? I waited until he left his apartment and walked past mine and opened the door. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted my son. Nothing else. "Can I have your son?" WTF? For what? Sacrifice? Punching bag? Someone to hold the bong? Please be specific. Articulate and PLEASE lose the yellow bandanna you have wrapped around your forehead. You look like a pirate minus the patch, the testosterone-laden ARRRRRGH and the wooden leg, all of which can be arranged be it now or in the future.

Good humor. What does that mean? Please feel free to comment and let me know what good humor means to you. Maybe I lack the definition like Bill Clinton's dumbfounded knowledge of sexual relations. Fellatio is sex....FYI Bill. So is banging an intern with a cigar and blowing your nuts on a dress. All of those are sex, in case you are wondering. I can understand, however, since you are married to a "woman" that houses one of a few places that boners go to die. Seriously though, where do I fall short?

I am all ears.