There are times when I feel....how do I put this....blah? When I get these feelings I step outside and get a dose of what real stupidity is. It takes checking the offspring of the same branch of the family tree and I realize that I am not as retarded as....THAT kid, or THAT kid....or even THAT adult. Last time I cehcked parenting was a full time gig. I mean, it's a tough job, no doubt about it. However, at 3:35, when the bus lets kids off the bus, I go outside and get a good whiff of phuck chop. What do I mean? Keep reading....
It's odd to me to write such a heart felt post and then follow it with a profanity-ridden tyrade on the urine-tarnished gene pool that is my hood. However, it doesn't do anyone any good to keep it all in. I'll explode. It's difficult to tell my kids "no" when they ask to play with the neighborhood kids. When they ask why, I have to lie. No, we are eating soon, or no, you need to clean your room. Those are actually lies. What I would love to say is "no, because they will dumb you down," or "you might catch a case of stupid by touching them," or "wearing camo head to toe when you are (A) not hunting, and (B) not in the military is abnormal." My son, bless his heart, asked me why the kids by the bus stop play in the dumpster. I can't say "because that's where trash plays." He will then go to them and call them trash. Not a lie, however, not appropriate either. It's almost like my house after school is a phucking day care for stay at home Mom's who "need a break." Need a break? This isn't Teen Mom. This is motherhood. "But I am a single Mom." So? Why is this my problem? You have had all day to go to the store. Take your kid. One of my daughter's "friends" came over the other day RIGHT...AFTER...SCHOOL and asked if Peyton could play. I said no, because she had homework. The little feral girl said "what's that?" Shiiiitttttttt......really? Spelling, math...you know...the shit you learn at school between recesses and lunch? I get nothing but a blank stare. It's almost like I have to offer her a slice of cheese or a hair brush to get off my porch. So she asks if Jacob can play. Again, I have to lie. Nope, he is working on pefecting the human genome. If nothing else I can use enough confusing vocabulary to induce a seizure so she can shake away. Every 15 minutes, there is a knock on my door. Today, garage sale lady brought my dog a bone. Not the porn version, but literally a bone. WTF? Who does that? "But Eli, that's nice of her." Phuck that. That's weird. I don't care what you say.
I was spraying Weed B Gone on my front lawn after mowing (both concepts are completely foreign to the neighbors) and the son, the only male in the house asks me what I am doing. Building a rocket ship? What does it look like? Picking apples? Every Spring I have a battle with dandelions. Every year they lose. However, it is a process that takes persistence because honestly, for every dandelion I kill, the neighbor's lawn reinfests mine because they have no concept of weed control...hence the two spawns that roam my driveway like the living dead. I had two gallon jugs of this stuff and thought about letting him have one and he could spray their lawn. I thought twice thinking that with my luck, bastard would hit himself in the face with the spray mistaking the jug of weed killer for a can of paint and he might try to huff it. I can only mentor a certain number of children at a time, which usually does not extend beyond MY and OWN. The world can use another camo-wearin criminal that will need medical clearance in the ER before being discharged to jail.
So if you need a dose of confidence, thinking you may be stupid, let me know. I'll give you directions to my hood. You'll feel so much better...
Friday, May 06, 2011
Thank You
When I got sick, I had this epiphany that life was short and I should appreciate every day that God gives me. I am not sure I have really done that. People often tell me that I am burning my candle at both ends. I get asked "how do you do it? How do you go to school, go to work and operate on little sleep?" I don't know. I just do. I have to. My delay in finishng my education has left me motivated to finish. I'm driven, I suppose, to not just finish but finish at the top. That is with school. As far as work, I have obligations that I have to take care of. It isn't about me anymore. I have a family to help provide for. I don't regret anything to date except for maybe not having this mentality when I was 15. Maybe doing this now, later in life, will show my kids that they can do whatever they want to do if they put in the work.
When I started my scribe job, my hope was to make some great relationships with physicians who would help me progress in my nursing career. However, it has been so much more than that. I have seen scared kids come in and doctors treating them with such compassion, even through their pain. I have watched more code traumas than I care to, however the nurses are unbelievable. Everyone has a job to do and they do it without hesitating. They are truly miracle workers. It reinforces in my mind that I have made the right choice in what I want to do with my life. At the same time, it is a constant reminder of how precious and uncertain life can be. There are no gurantees of tomorrow. I have always known this, however, it rings home when you are present when death occurs. Not just natural death, either. We can never expect the unexpected. No one can. I pray every day to let God give me just one more day to impact someone's life. So far, He has given me my wish. What happens, though, when He says it's my time, or someone I love? Then what? Does it make me less apt to pursue nursing or caring for complete strangers? I don't think so. I ask myself these questions all of the time. It all comes back to appreciation; appreciating what you have right in front of you while you can.
Money will not give me happiness. Or you. or anyone else for that matter. Not in the long run anyway. If I had a lot of money, I would give it away. I don't want money. I want to heal people. I want to cure illness. I want to provide comfort. I want to educate. I want to research and diagnose. I want to find reasons why disease occurs, and then spreads. I want a patient that I am taking care of to leave my care better off, not just initially but forever. That can be a big hill to climb, but that obstacle will not deter me from trying. One person at a time can be changed. Imagine if everyone thought about encounters the same way. What kind of world would we live in?
I love my family. I love my Mom and Dad who taught me about resilience and perseverance. I love my brother, my silent pillar of strength, whom I know will always be there if I need him. I love my kids. Savannah, my oldest who is growing too fast and reminds me about how time together is short, yet sweet. Peyton and Jacob, even when they fight, I think of how when they get older, they will love each ther unconditionally as I did with my brother. My wife, my rock, our family's life preserver, someone I admire in ways I cannot put into words. I have learned to appreciate them more through the tragedy of death.
Today is the best day of my life. I know this because it is happening now. I can only control what I do today. Tomorrow is not certain. I pray for it, and God often grants me this prayer, and I start over, tring to bring a smile to an unhappy face. I hope, as a practicing nure, that my patients will leave knowing I cared. I hope my family knows how I cannot be successful in this effort without them. Life is like building a pyramid, one brick at a time. it takes the efforts of many to see the final result. Often times we walk on the backs of loved ones to get to the top. I appreciate the foundation that was laid in the beginning and I cannot express enough gratitude of the sacrifices made by the people closest to me as I lay the final bricks. I hope that they will be with me to see the finished product, and I can look into their eyes and say thank you, even if those are the only words I can use to express a fraction of the feeling.
No one gets what they want by themselves. I realize this more and more every day. I just hope I don't forget to say thank you once in a while. I hope you don't either.
When I started my scribe job, my hope was to make some great relationships with physicians who would help me progress in my nursing career. However, it has been so much more than that. I have seen scared kids come in and doctors treating them with such compassion, even through their pain. I have watched more code traumas than I care to, however the nurses are unbelievable. Everyone has a job to do and they do it without hesitating. They are truly miracle workers. It reinforces in my mind that I have made the right choice in what I want to do with my life. At the same time, it is a constant reminder of how precious and uncertain life can be. There are no gurantees of tomorrow. I have always known this, however, it rings home when you are present when death occurs. Not just natural death, either. We can never expect the unexpected. No one can. I pray every day to let God give me just one more day to impact someone's life. So far, He has given me my wish. What happens, though, when He says it's my time, or someone I love? Then what? Does it make me less apt to pursue nursing or caring for complete strangers? I don't think so. I ask myself these questions all of the time. It all comes back to appreciation; appreciating what you have right in front of you while you can.
Money will not give me happiness. Or you. or anyone else for that matter. Not in the long run anyway. If I had a lot of money, I would give it away. I don't want money. I want to heal people. I want to cure illness. I want to provide comfort. I want to educate. I want to research and diagnose. I want to find reasons why disease occurs, and then spreads. I want a patient that I am taking care of to leave my care better off, not just initially but forever. That can be a big hill to climb, but that obstacle will not deter me from trying. One person at a time can be changed. Imagine if everyone thought about encounters the same way. What kind of world would we live in?
I love my family. I love my Mom and Dad who taught me about resilience and perseverance. I love my brother, my silent pillar of strength, whom I know will always be there if I need him. I love my kids. Savannah, my oldest who is growing too fast and reminds me about how time together is short, yet sweet. Peyton and Jacob, even when they fight, I think of how when they get older, they will love each ther unconditionally as I did with my brother. My wife, my rock, our family's life preserver, someone I admire in ways I cannot put into words. I have learned to appreciate them more through the tragedy of death.
Today is the best day of my life. I know this because it is happening now. I can only control what I do today. Tomorrow is not certain. I pray for it, and God often grants me this prayer, and I start over, tring to bring a smile to an unhappy face. I hope, as a practicing nure, that my patients will leave knowing I cared. I hope my family knows how I cannot be successful in this effort without them. Life is like building a pyramid, one brick at a time. it takes the efforts of many to see the final result. Often times we walk on the backs of loved ones to get to the top. I appreciate the foundation that was laid in the beginning and I cannot express enough gratitude of the sacrifices made by the people closest to me as I lay the final bricks. I hope that they will be with me to see the finished product, and I can look into their eyes and say thank you, even if those are the only words I can use to express a fraction of the feeling.
No one gets what they want by themselves. I realize this more and more every day. I just hope I don't forget to say thank you once in a while. I hope you don't either.
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