Whenever I Feel Dumb....

There are times when I feel....how do I put this....blah? When I get these feelings I step outside and get a dose of what real stupidity is. It takes checking the offspring of the same branch of the family tree and I realize that I am not as retarded as....THAT kid, or THAT kid....or even THAT adult. Last time I cehcked parenting was a full time gig. I mean, it's a tough job, no doubt about it. However, at 3:35, when the bus lets kids off the bus, I go outside and get a good whiff of phuck chop. What do I mean? Keep reading....

It's odd to me to write such a heart felt post and then follow it with a profanity-ridden tyrade on the urine-tarnished gene pool that is my hood. However, it doesn't do anyone any good to keep it all in. I'll explode. It's difficult to tell my kids "no" when they ask to play with the neighborhood kids. When they ask why, I have to lie. No, we are eating soon, or no, you need to clean your room. Those are actually lies. What I would love to say is "no, because they will dumb you down," or "you might catch a case of stupid by touching them," or "wearing camo head to toe when you are (A) not hunting, and (B) not in the military is abnormal." My son, bless his heart, asked me why the kids by the bus stop play in the dumpster. I can't say "because that's where trash plays." He will then go to them and call them trash. Not a lie, however, not appropriate either. It's almost like my house after school is a phucking day care for stay at home Mom's who "need a break." Need a break? This isn't Teen Mom. This is motherhood. "But I am a single Mom." So? Why is this my problem? You have had all day to go to the store. Take your kid. One of my daughter's "friends" came over the other day RIGHT...AFTER...SCHOOL and asked if Peyton could play. I said no, because she had homework. The little feral girl said "what's that?" Shiiiitttttttt......really? Spelling, math...you know...the shit you learn at school between recesses and lunch? I get nothing but a blank stare. It's almost like I have to offer her a slice of cheese or a hair brush to get off my porch. So she asks if Jacob can play. Again, I have to lie. Nope, he is working on pefecting the human genome. If nothing else I can use enough confusing vocabulary to induce a seizure so she can shake away. Every 15 minutes, there is a knock on my door. Today, garage sale lady brought my dog a bone. Not the porn version, but literally a bone. WTF? Who does that? "But Eli, that's nice of her." Phuck that. That's weird. I don't care what you say.

I was spraying Weed B Gone on my front lawn after mowing (both concepts are completely foreign to the neighbors) and the son, the only male in the house asks me what I am doing. Building a rocket ship? What does it look like? Picking apples? Every Spring I have a battle with dandelions. Every year they lose. However, it is a process that takes persistence because honestly, for every dandelion I kill, the neighbor's lawn reinfests mine because they have no concept of weed control...hence the two spawns that roam my driveway like the living dead. I had two gallon jugs of this stuff and thought about letting him have one and he could spray their lawn. I thought twice thinking that with my luck, bastard would hit himself in the face with the spray mistaking the jug of weed killer for a can of paint and he might try to huff it. I can only mentor a certain number of children at a time, which usually does not extend beyond MY and OWN. The world can use another camo-wearin criminal that will need medical clearance in the ER before being discharged to jail.

So if you need a dose of confidence, thinking you may be stupid, let me know. I'll give you directions to my hood. You'll feel so much better...