Valentine's Day Sucks

I love Valentine's Day. I also love to get hit in the face with a brick, running over my foot with a lawn mower, juggling chainsaws blindfolded and drinking battery acid. I actually hate the holiday. It is supposed to be a time where you remind a loved one how much you mean to them, and you do that by purchasing shit that makes them feel fat and flowers that die. "But it is the thought that counts." If that were true, then I thought about buying those things, but I filled the gas tank in the car.......TWICE!

For men, this holiday is unacceptable. This is an excuse for wives or girlfriends to bring up "what we used to be like." Yes, we got complacent after marriage. Shall I mention what YOU stopped doing after you said, "I do?" I didn't think so, so shut it. I used to do a lot before it became expected. It is hard to be spontaneous when you are reminded of the "I remember when you used to" bullshit that comes once a year. I have a feeling my wife is going to buy me flowers. What the hell? Why? I don't like flowers. THEY DIE! In my eyes, they are simply very pretty weeds that smell like refrigerant. "OooOoOOooOOo...but you can dry them!" Then what? Either way, they go in the trash. Do you know how many cards get thrown away in my house? All of them. So, let's see.....22 holidays/birthdays/anniversaries, times $3.99 equals Benjamin on fire!

I don't buy cards, I hand-write poetry or a letter. Why do I do that? Because it means more. THOSE things get kept. Those are from the heart, not some Hallmark freelance writer twink on crack, 4 days into a bender, coming up with random shit that makes necrophiliacs cry. It is more original. Besides, I don't like to support Hallmark. They are more cliche' than Paris Hilton saying, "that's HOT." Do you know how much flowers are right now? $50 a dozen. Do you know how much they are tomorrow? Back down to what they were originally....$20. Remember when Exxon made a $9 BILLION dollar profit last year? A common business formula is supply and demand. SHORT SUPPLY, HIGH DEMAND equals consumer rape. Who sets the demand? A female voice....nagging about how you never buy flowers for her anymore. Well, you don't swallow anymore because you think it's dirty. So, piss off.

Roses - $50
Chocolate - $6
Dinner - $44
Total - $100

What can $100 buy you?

Gasoline
Food for the family
pay off a bill or two
25 movie rentals
a SHIT load of popcorn

But what does dinner, chocolate and roses get you? Expectations....demands....and it sets a precedent for next year, when the cost of living has gone up and shipping roses from Omaha gets even more expensive. So you know what, St. Valentine? Go to hell.