This COVID thing has inspired me to bet my Ph.D. in common sense. Celebrities have a platform, sadly, and I am not sure they are using it properly. Animal rights....OK, fine. Do that. Focus on something productive. But profiting off of the COVID crisis by recommending face masks "that work," well, I would rather spend the night in a graveyard. It's like taking marital advice from a Beverly Hills housewife. If you have an audience, choose something people can get behind. Also, AUDIENCE....the shit celebrities say is not fucking gold. Don't be a lemming. Don't leap because they said so. Case in point...
I cannot recall which celebrity said it. I saw it on Instagram (mistake number one) and there she was, sitting in her vehicle pitching the crocheted, knitted mask on her face, no surgical mask underneath and she said something like "if you have to go out in public, go out in style." Can you say that into my good ear? That thing has more holes in it than the Warren Commission report. I know you have lots of money and stuff, but in the video, your husband/boyfriend and child(ren) had on surgical masks, suggested by the CDC as better than....well, what you have. The tolerance of your chauffeur indicates that either you don't have a gag reflex or your royalty checks are enough to satiate his desire to hit you in the face with a brick. Whatever the case, a knitted face mask will not stop your man's pearl jam, let alone a viral particle measured in nanometers. Why in the actual FUCK would you suggest this as good advice? Chalk it up to maintain relevance since swallowing a balloon sword got boring. When they said you can "sew your own facemask," it meant using cloth. Not yarn. Sew, not knit. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a twatwaffle. I read that somewhere.
It got worse, though, as a few days later, I saw someone in a grocery store (rhymes with Safeway) wearing a knitted facemask. It was pointy, like an N95 but obviously not an N95. I was leaving, having grabbed the essentials I needed but saw this woman come in, grab a cart, a sani-wipe to wipe the spunk off the handle of her cart, and wander over to the produce section. All of a sudden, I wasn't quite done. I put my bags in a black cart and followed behind her. Over and over again, she pulled her mask down to smell the produce. Odd little fetish. So, I moved across from her smelling the Russet potatoes, my surgical mask pulled off my nose so I could smell, mirroring her EXACT actions with her knitted mask full of viral gateways. My nostril inhales were exaggerated of course, mostly due to my attention-seeking behavior but primarily for her to look my way. I wanted her to say it, to ask me why I was removing my CDC approved level 3 surgical mask to smell produce. We did this waltz for a couple of minutes and she finally stopped to watch what I was doing, leering like a Siamese cat waiting to fuck up some curtains when no one was looking and blame the parakeet. Then it came..."what are you doing?" I replied that I was smelling produce....because it was Thursday and my therapist indicated it is fruit smelling day...and all the bars are closed....so this was plan B. "But why are you pulling your mask down?" Well, because you are. Actually, you don't even need that thing on your face because 3,500,000,000 virus particles can get right through the SMALLEST of those holes on your face. I figured 'when in Rome' and all....so here I am loving the odor of perfume de Pomegranate (sniffs lemon).
I slowly pulled my mask over my face and turned to walk down the aisle, turning slightly as I rounded the corner to see this woman standing there holding a cantaloupe, the hamsters running rapidly inside her head, attempting to fully process her own actions and why some complete stranger thought they were 'copyable.' She looked like Instagram was something her Jitterbug phone could not support. Someone told her that craft day at (insert retirement community here) was mass-producing things to help the public out when in reality, someone should tell the assembly line what they are cranking out is a worse idea than eating the pulled pork sandwich you left in your car during the summertime. Or drinking kiddie pool water. Or tattling on the Clintons. Or covering your genitals in honey and sitting on an ant pile.....
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
Wicked Witches
Something wicked this way comes. I sensed it the minute I pulled my mask down to lick my fingers so I could get a produce bag open. It was almost like slow motion. As I replaced my mask and looked up, two masked beings levitated in my direction, effortlessly sidestepping the produce stands. They may have even blurred a little as they shape-shifted towards the potatoes.
"Sir, did you lick your fingerssshisssssss?"
I shuddered a little. Remember Clash of the Titans? The hero has to go see three old, blind witches that share an eye? These two spirit people reminded me of those witches. Also, I am pretty sure whichever one asked me that question voiced Golem in Lord of the Rings. Stupid Hobbitseses. I answered the "woman's" question with an astounding "absolutely, I licked my fingers." I felt something hit my face. It was the first drop of shit from the inevitable storm that is to follow.
We sat there in silence for a second or two, me wondering what my penalty was for licking my fingers (not that I gave a shit) and them, maybe, not expecting the fact that brutal honesty is a thing with me. The shorter fog-lady seemed to look around, maybe trying to find someone in authority who could come listen to their tale and chastise me for trying to open a slippery produce bag without saliva. She quickly found this poor late-teens box boy and summoned him over to our soiree.
"Sir, this man licked his fingers to open his produce bag." I made eye contact with the kid and we shared the same thought.
Thing two piped in and asked what he was going to do about it. Sweat began to bead on this poor kid's forehead. He swallowed hard. A tumbleweed blew by us as we stood in awkward silence wondering what was going to happen next. I decided it was time to break the silence and I peered to look at the shoulder of one of the witches. They jolted backward as if I had pulled my junk out. To calm them I simply stated I was looking for the symbol of the Third Reich. They gazed in awe, shocked that I would say such a thing. Box boy smiled, almost laughed. Thing one sneered at the box boy who quickly bowed his head down to avoid being turned into a newt. I asked out loud "do you believe wearing masks protects you or me or even Lester here (points to poor box boy) from the plague? Both them proudly exclaimed YES. (clears throat)
"Cool. Me too. But you need to cover your mouth AND nose. Leaving your nose exposed causes droplets that bypass those gnarly hairs to enter my space. Phlegm or no phlegm, you are potentially infecting those around you by policing the bagging practices of the patrons in this establishment while leaving your nose exposed. Since you aren't outwardly Third Reich I can only blame your overconfidence on your mainstream media addiction for your fact gathering. Leaving your nose exposed is like fucking with the top of the condom cut off, wondering why your pussy lips look like they grew a beard and it feels like you're pissing needles. Speaking of which, is there any tread on those tires or is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway? A little advice for you that box boy would agree with but can't lest he lose his job. This is a grocery store. Go get some groceries. As it stands now, it appears you are passing the time getting in everyone's business because you have nothing better to do. Get a cart or a basket. Start with aisle 3 where there is nose hair removal kits and wart removal for the pre-cancerous lesion on your left nostril. Pull your masks up ladies...your witch is showing.
"Sir, did you lick your fingerssshisssssss?"
I shuddered a little. Remember Clash of the Titans? The hero has to go see three old, blind witches that share an eye? These two spirit people reminded me of those witches. Also, I am pretty sure whichever one asked me that question voiced Golem in Lord of the Rings. Stupid Hobbitseses. I answered the "woman's" question with an astounding "absolutely, I licked my fingers." I felt something hit my face. It was the first drop of shit from the inevitable storm that is to follow.
We sat there in silence for a second or two, me wondering what my penalty was for licking my fingers (not that I gave a shit) and them, maybe, not expecting the fact that brutal honesty is a thing with me. The shorter fog-lady seemed to look around, maybe trying to find someone in authority who could come listen to their tale and chastise me for trying to open a slippery produce bag without saliva. She quickly found this poor late-teens box boy and summoned him over to our soiree.
"Sir, this man licked his fingers to open his produce bag." I made eye contact with the kid and we shared the same thought.
Thing two piped in and asked what he was going to do about it. Sweat began to bead on this poor kid's forehead. He swallowed hard. A tumbleweed blew by us as we stood in awkward silence wondering what was going to happen next. I decided it was time to break the silence and I peered to look at the shoulder of one of the witches. They jolted backward as if I had pulled my junk out. To calm them I simply stated I was looking for the symbol of the Third Reich. They gazed in awe, shocked that I would say such a thing. Box boy smiled, almost laughed. Thing one sneered at the box boy who quickly bowed his head down to avoid being turned into a newt. I asked out loud "do you believe wearing masks protects you or me or even Lester here (points to poor box boy) from the plague? Both them proudly exclaimed YES. (clears throat)
"Cool. Me too. But you need to cover your mouth AND nose. Leaving your nose exposed causes droplets that bypass those gnarly hairs to enter my space. Phlegm or no phlegm, you are potentially infecting those around you by policing the bagging practices of the patrons in this establishment while leaving your nose exposed. Since you aren't outwardly Third Reich I can only blame your overconfidence on your mainstream media addiction for your fact gathering. Leaving your nose exposed is like fucking with the top of the condom cut off, wondering why your pussy lips look like they grew a beard and it feels like you're pissing needles. Speaking of which, is there any tread on those tires or is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway? A little advice for you that box boy would agree with but can't lest he lose his job. This is a grocery store. Go get some groceries. As it stands now, it appears you are passing the time getting in everyone's business because you have nothing better to do. Get a cart or a basket. Start with aisle 3 where there is nose hair removal kits and wart removal for the pre-cancerous lesion on your left nostril. Pull your masks up ladies...your witch is showing.
COVID Karen
This COVID-19 ha created a serious hoarding problem. Before it began, I always thought the Costco packs of toilet paper were a bit excessive. Not so much that you have 30 rolls of toilet paper but that you have to store a Mini Cooper...somewhere. Then COVID hit. One pack turned into 10 packages which would equate to a real-life Tetris game in your shopping cart. Not to mention you need to be running because the people who didn't get toilet paper are fast behind you hoping you hit a crack in the concrete and you eat shit sending "gold nuggets" flying to the floor. I imagine it would look a lot like someone dropping a tray of casino chips on the casino floor. Those around you are not helping you pick up your stash. You are flat out getting jacked. Same principle. Why toilet paper, though? Hoard Orville Redenbacher or Tostitos and salsa. Shit, goldfish crackers for the win...but COVID doesn't liquify your stool or cause IBS. I laughed at the Costco lines and the people sitting for hours to go inside and find out they ran out of toilet paper 8 minutes after opening. Almost like a Clay Aiken concert on Ticketmaster. Not quite fast enough.
Then, water became an issue. Just in case COVID became a water-borne illness, cases and cases of water were loaded into the shopping carts. This is the worst shopping spree ever. "Karen, you will have 60 minutes to fill your cart with anything you'd like. It's on us. Ready?? FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO!" TP and water....and an aggravated sciatica...all in 8 minutes. Why not drink tap water? Well, those answers will vary. The government is spiking our water for population control, or just 'COVID.' Either answer makes my balls shrink up inside my stomach. Best birth control in the world is watching humanity fuck itself. People don't realize that the empty bottles go in a landfill and where this is one dipshit with 5 cases of water, surely there are thousands more, thousands of bottles; you get the idea. Unless people are melting the plastic down to make meth spoons? Nevermind. Those two instances blow me away at the level of stupidity that now exists thanks to COVID. We can't even hoard properly. My wife wanted a jar of grapefruit slices. We got to Costco and the line was around the back of the building. Nope...I'll can the shit myself, but I'm not waiting in line 5 hours to get that, or anything really.
Really, the WORST thing I have come across are the armchair doctors who got their medical training on Google parting the Red Sea with their logic on how to keep people healthy out in public. While in Safeway, I had a cart of 19 items. I was standing in line in a regular check out line which happened to be right next to the Express line (15 items or less). I don't inconvenience other people because I feel entitled. But there is Karen, wearing ski goggles, a clothespin pinching her nose, and a respirator mask with two cartridge-less canister holes, staring at me and inviting me over to the Express lane. The conversation went a little like this...
Karen - You can come over to this line (waives hand, clothespin wiggling with every....fucking....wave).
Me - Nah, I am OK. I have more than 15 items.
Karen - It's OK, she isn't counting them (waves some more, wiggle wiggle wiggle)
Me - No thank you. Going skiing later?
Karen - (turns to accompanying male) Why doesn't he just come over here? Is he special or something? (turns back to me)
Me - I'm right here. I can hear you. Is that 'special' reference a smack on my lack of desire in having you stand behind me with your Nightmare Before Christmas attire? Or is it more chromosomal in nature?
Karen - I just think it's weird you won't come over to this line.
Me - I think it's weird that you are wearing ski goggles and a clothespin with the underwear still attached.
Karen - (touches clothespin). There's no underwear there.
Me - (rolls eyes). No shit Karen
Karen - How did you know my name was Karen?
Me - (laughing) Just a guess.. Could have been your Safeway name tag (no actual name tag, but she looked anyway), could have been your ski goggles, your lack of social tact, your desire to control shit that is none of your business, your clothespin, your mittens or your mismatched socks. There are a plethora of things about you that make you Karen, from head to toe. The fact you actually ARE named Karen, well shit, that's just a gift, really. Is there a BOLO out on you?
Karen - BOLO?
Me - Be on the lookout....for Karen, the COVID nightmare. You buy your shit, I will buy mine, in this line, where your nose isn't going to mistakenly end up tickling my asshole.
Karen - (stares silently at me)
Stay safe in the world of COVID Karen and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, take the medical professional's advice when it relates to washing your hands. Karen's has the cleanest mittens in town.
Then, water became an issue. Just in case COVID became a water-borne illness, cases and cases of water were loaded into the shopping carts. This is the worst shopping spree ever. "Karen, you will have 60 minutes to fill your cart with anything you'd like. It's on us. Ready?? FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO!" TP and water....and an aggravated sciatica...all in 8 minutes. Why not drink tap water? Well, those answers will vary. The government is spiking our water for population control, or just 'COVID.' Either answer makes my balls shrink up inside my stomach. Best birth control in the world is watching humanity fuck itself. People don't realize that the empty bottles go in a landfill and where this is one dipshit with 5 cases of water, surely there are thousands more, thousands of bottles; you get the idea. Unless people are melting the plastic down to make meth spoons? Nevermind. Those two instances blow me away at the level of stupidity that now exists thanks to COVID. We can't even hoard properly. My wife wanted a jar of grapefruit slices. We got to Costco and the line was around the back of the building. Nope...I'll can the shit myself, but I'm not waiting in line 5 hours to get that, or anything really.
Really, the WORST thing I have come across are the armchair doctors who got their medical training on Google parting the Red Sea with their logic on how to keep people healthy out in public. While in Safeway, I had a cart of 19 items. I was standing in line in a regular check out line which happened to be right next to the Express line (15 items or less). I don't inconvenience other people because I feel entitled. But there is Karen, wearing ski goggles, a clothespin pinching her nose, and a respirator mask with two cartridge-less canister holes, staring at me and inviting me over to the Express lane. The conversation went a little like this...
Karen - You can come over to this line (waives hand, clothespin wiggling with every....fucking....wave).
Me - Nah, I am OK. I have more than 15 items.
Karen - It's OK, she isn't counting them (waves some more, wiggle wiggle wiggle)
Me - No thank you. Going skiing later?
Karen - (turns to accompanying male) Why doesn't he just come over here? Is he special or something? (turns back to me)
Me - I'm right here. I can hear you. Is that 'special' reference a smack on my lack of desire in having you stand behind me with your Nightmare Before Christmas attire? Or is it more chromosomal in nature?
Karen - I just think it's weird you won't come over to this line.
Me - I think it's weird that you are wearing ski goggles and a clothespin with the underwear still attached.
Karen - (touches clothespin). There's no underwear there.
Me - (rolls eyes). No shit Karen
Karen - How did you know my name was Karen?
Me - (laughing) Just a guess.. Could have been your Safeway name tag (no actual name tag, but she looked anyway), could have been your ski goggles, your lack of social tact, your desire to control shit that is none of your business, your clothespin, your mittens or your mismatched socks. There are a plethora of things about you that make you Karen, from head to toe. The fact you actually ARE named Karen, well shit, that's just a gift, really. Is there a BOLO out on you?
Karen - BOLO?
Me - Be on the lookout....for Karen, the COVID nightmare. You buy your shit, I will buy mine, in this line, where your nose isn't going to mistakenly end up tickling my asshole.
Karen - (stares silently at me)
Stay safe in the world of COVID Karen and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, take the medical professional's advice when it relates to washing your hands. Karen's has the cleanest mittens in town.
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