In My Opinion...: October 2007

It has been 3 weeks since I moved here to Washington State. I have been a Mr. Mom, essentially, for 2 of those 3 weeks. Let me tell you how that works. I am a full time parent. I am a full time parent when I am working too. This is different, however, as I am doing everything a stay-at-home Mom does. Well, let me rephrase that….THIS LICKS NUTS!
I am grateful to my brother for allowing me, my wife, my two children and my 55-pound English Bulldog to move in with him. I really am. What I say from this point on is simply venting and should not be misconstrued as ungrateful.

Brief synopsis of my brother’s relationship situation. Divorced, has a live in girlfriend who moved here from Portland, OR. She has a son. I would call her a single mother but that would require mothering, so we will just leave the title alone. The son, however, has a title. I call him twat monster.

Yes I just made that up. If you knew what was going on here, you would call him the same thing.

The Second Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary contains full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words. This kid has a vocabulary of about 9 words, all of them associated with daily faux-gun play in the front yard with the rest of the PWC (panty waste clan). I named their group and am going to order them pink flamingo patches to go on their camouflage shorts. I am getting sidetracked. Here is a list of things he has done to all/some of the members of my family:

1. Burst into the spare bedroom where my kids were watching a movie, and using a scary voice, threatened to kill them while pointing a toy gun at them. Yes, they cried.
2. Emptied a new can of shaving cream into the bathtub while he showered (within the 1st 24 hours of our arrival)
3. Cleaned the toilet with one of our toothbrush heads on our SonicAir toothbrush
4. Spray painted 3 stripes on my English Bulldog
5. Beat my razor against the wall, bending the razor blades. I found this out by shaving my face, wondering why the hell it felt like sandpaper.

These are the things that I can remember or are worth telling. I do not have the time, or the carpal tunnel life to discuss the other things that this kid does. AMAZING! Mom is even worse. Wait, the VH (vaginal host) is even worse. My kids get one warning. If the requested action does not take place, then there is a consequence. After 3 kids, you kind of figure it out. My youngest doesn’t even get a warning anymore, which is probably why he sucks his thumb more than the other two. Fear will do that. Twat monster gets 7 warnings and after the 7th warning, nothing happens. She and my brother go into their bedroom and close the door, leaving me and my wife to tend to our kids, the dog, and IT. How would you handle this scenario?

· Dinner time. I have stayed home all day with the kids. I cook a meal for 4 adults, 3 kids and feed the dog. I take the dog out after eating to do #1, and hopefully #2 before coming in to get dinner on the table. Everyone sits. My kids, eat so-so. Twat monster doesn’t like anything from the ground, green, leafy or well done. This leaves starches and sugars. Twat monster complains about X. My brother tells him to shut up and eat his food. Vaginal host is silent. My kids observe…very focused on twat monster. Twat monster sees this and complains again. Wife cringes. Kids look at me, and smile. They complain. I tell twat monster to shut up and eat. My brother agrees. So do my kids as they have now learned the order of things. Twat monster laughs. Vaginal host still silent. I, at this point, am wondering when THE ONE PERSON WHO HAS THE GENETIC RIGHT TO DISCIPLINE THIS KID WILL ACTUALLY DO IT!??! My brother sucks his food down, begins to then inquire if anyone else is done, when a simple scan of the table will show that all other 6 occupants have just now put their napkins on their lap…except twat monster who is twisting it up to put in his right nostril. My wife tells twat monster to stop, the kids begin putting their napkins in their noses, to which I respond STOP, and then tell Twat monster to stop, causing the vaginal host to pipe in asking what he had done. Don’t look at me, look at Rocky over there clotting his fake hemoglobin. She says stop or he is going to his room. He stops, after laughing, scanning the table for an audience, my kids anxiously waiting for Act II, losing focus on the job at hand, which is eating. My wife’s hair is turning gray just watching vaginal host do nothing to stop her kid from manipulating my kids. My brother is pacing in the kitchen waiting for someone to finish to he can quickly help clean up after dinner and then retire to his room and close the twat monster shield, IE door. I look at my wife, whose appetite is coupled with mine in the toilet, wanting desperately for this scene to end. My kids are now trying to figure out which nostril actually requires plugging, to which my wife and I both tell them NEITHER and instruct them to eat or they will get down from the table. Twat monster acts up again, wanting to see actual discipline, my kids respond on cue causing my wife to take their plates away, much to their dismay, and remove them from the table. Twat monster grins. Vaginal host instructs him again that one more time will mean punishment. He grins, looks at his plate and starts playing with his food, calling it every name in the book in a robot voice. Vaginal host finishes her plate and then starts to do the dishes. Meanwhile our kids are crying because they have no idea what just happened. The dog is pacing around wondering where the axe came from that impaled my kids, trying to lick their tears away. My wife yells at the dog to get out of the way, scaring the kids, causing them to cry more. I walk over to help and step on a goat head that was brought in the house by twat monster since he cannot follow rule #1 (remove your shoes before entering the house). This cause me to suddenly grab for the wall to brace myself, which causes the dog to jump thinking he is going to get a beat down. He steps on my wifes foot, who then yells in pain due to the toe nail scratch, which causes my kids to cry more since Mommy yelled…..all because little twat monster was born.

So, yeah. It’s been three weeks. That was just tonight. Get it? I need a job or someone is going to jail.