Helicopters

I don't mean the kind used to fight fires or get people to the hospital in a timely manner. I don't even mean the parents of kids that come into the ER. Well, I kind of do. Why bring the kid to the ER if you have every intentin of brow beating the doctor who is both mentally and psychologically capable of providing the right diagnosis? Seriously, stay home. They won't mind and neither will the nurses who are trying to assist your child. Oh you tried this very thing at home? Really? With this equipment and this strength medicine? Stop. Now. before you have to check in with a broken nose.

Today's specific reference has to do with children of the elderly. Family members who have checked a loved one in to our facility for care. I understand this person is important to you. I get it. Believe it or not, I have parents I love too and would be just as concerned as you are in reference to the quality of care they receive. However, I understand the human body better than you do. At 88 years old, the bowels do not move daily, at least not usually. So if you're Dad did not shit today, thats OK. He doesn't need an enema. He doesn't need to go to the ER for an x-ray to see if he is impacted. Do you see him laying there sleeping? This is indicative of comfort, not pain. I don't mind educating people on shit. At this point in my career, its what I do best. But please take my word for it. Or else....this happens.

Son - My Dad usually poops 3 times a day. He has ever since he was an embryo, at least that is what grandma says.

Me - was this before or after grandma's stroke?

Son - Huh?

Me - Nothing. Looking at the bowel log, it looks like your Dad pooped twice yesterday and twice this morning.

Son - OMG! Should we call 911?!?!?!?!?

Me - For the stench?

Son - No, because he needs to shit! He is all backed up! His eyes are brown. His hair is darkening. He looks miserable.

Me - He's sleeping....soundly.

Son - I KNOWWWWW but he is in pain!!!!

Me - Hmmmm....sleeping and pain don't go together. Kind of like common sense and...well, you.

Son - I'm calling the ambulance.


If I am not digitally stimulating enough for some people, the ER doc sure will be. IF this person went to the hospital with complaints of constipation, I would get a call from the doctor asking me why they were sent to the ER.

Helicopters.

To which I would be asked to come in for a psych eval. It doesn't make much sense. I know you love your Dad...I love your Dad, especially pooping two times a day. It's great. He is happy, I am happy....everyone is happy. But you aren't happy and that is concerning. It makes me wonder what happens when he goes home with you during the day. What exactly are you doing to this man's poor rectum?

"My Dad said he pooped 5 hours ago! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?!"

Feeding and bathing him? Making him comfortable? I'm so sorry about that. Tomorrow we will be feeding him some shards of glass to give his poop color. That better? It will be like confetti. Some black and some red mixed in. Almost like Mardi Gras but different.

So please let me do my job and stop calling me at 3AM asking me if your Dad pooped today. My answer, undoubtedly will be yes...without looking. If you ask how many times, it will be 11. I know its an arbitrary number, but it is sufficient. He will be dehydrated after that many shits but you are too stupid to understand that and, at his age, dehydration is more concerning than multiple bowel movements per day. I don't expect a helicopter to understand that. Except on PBS.

I don't expect things to change...ever. At least until discharge, which I hope occurred over the weekend. We are, after all, like Holiday Inn Express....minus the wireless Internet.