I used to think people lost brain cells by huffing paint, or making too many model airplanes. I guess drinking is bad for brain cell natality, but when it comes right down to it, some people are dumb just because. Take, for example, a girl.
Thank you....
No wait, more to the story. So this girl is Latino, Mexican, Guatemalan, whatever. Point is, she is foreign. She was bragging the other day, OUTLOUD, that she tans easily, so much so that she stays tan all year. Pardon? Say that again. "I am tan all year." OK. "Isn't that just the shit?" Right. Just like Ben Wallace, Carlos Mencia, Ricky fucking Ricardo and any other fucking human being with dark skin, right????!?!?!?! Am I not getting something? GOD MADE YOU THAT WAY DUMBASS. It is a permanent pigment, no sun required. Fucktard. She says, "whatever, you just wish you could stay tan all year." I know, because the people at work care, as do the creditors I pay, the clerk at the gas station, the lady at my day care and the UPS guy.
(insert DEAD PAN LOOK)
Yeah I know. All of the above flew over your prepubescent head. Point is, the only one who ultimately cares about anything YOU do, is you...or people like you, namely other 17-year old retards still living under Mommy and Daddy's roof. You wouldn't know that though because you are stuck on the fascination that the skin color you were given when you were conceived in the back alley of the local watering hole remains the same color forever. Now you know where all the beaner references come from, or why people stack tamales in front of your locker and walk away laughing. Hint : it isn't because you are tanned by the sun. It is also why you are flying through Spanish class without studying. Oh yeah, and texting will never be an Olympic sport, OK?
(still dead pan)
Do you know how much text messaging costs?
(shakes head, tears welling)
Ask your parents. Speaking of your parents, when is the last time you saw them. Have you had your weekly, "I am alive" phone call? I would want to make sure that you were OK, remained pretty enough to get married so I could pass of your mooching ass to some other wank. So when they call, stop ignoring them. Unlike you, they care about other things other than themselves. That happens when you are parents. You have moments of bliss, then unprotected sex, blow a partial nut in a warm vagina, and ohhhhh shit, so much for ME ME ME...now it is all about the baby. Pretty soon, babies grow up to be, well you, a hormonal fellatio machine, stuck on the fact that you want to save your hymen for the man you love, yet you will swallow enough spunk to displace the Queen Anne, yet, you have no idea why people call you a slut. Wipe off your chin, or is that a permanent sperm burn?
(sniff...sniff)
Don't be sad. Save it for when you have to pay taxes, or serious stuff like....having to pay for your own gas, or when oil starts leaking from your car, and you need money to fix it. You will call your parents and they won't answer the call, and you ask yourself what could they possibly be doing that is so important as to NOT answer your phone call. Hard to believe, but the further you get from this age, your notoriety and title as "queen" gets less and less profound and you become a citizen. I know, I know, it is a lot to take in all at once. Sort of like the load you took from John Thomas. But since you took that spunk rocket like a champ, so shall you take this next bit of advice. Go home. In 5 years, no one will care that your south-of-the-border tanning secrets keep you looking bronze all year, no one will envy you and your hyper-texting fingers, people will forget about your chronic cold sores and cold, clammy hands, and they will move on. Practice moving on, talk about shit that matters to other people because, frankly, with every passing day, your parents are looking forward to the day you say "adios," and go off to school and they can finally go back to being themselves. What was that? How will you pay for school? Simple. Stafford loans. Yes, you will have to pay them back, which means you will have to get a job, and be an adult. But don't cry. You still have today, but you cannot stay here for dinner. You have to go eat at home, and sit around that 4-legged thing called the table, and wow someone else with your tales of bravery and bullshit, otherwise knows as adolescence because frankly, I don't give a damn.
Oh, and don't forget to gargle
I am not a saint. I rant a lot. Some times I get heated in my ramblings. If you are botherd by an occasional F-Bomb, turn away now. If you don't mind it, stick around, read on. You'll laugh and cry all in one viewing!
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