For the Love of Spam

I get these emails a lot. I respond to all of them. It depends on my mood what gets said. Since this quarter is winding down, I needed to let off some steam. I have copied his email....then my response. Feel free to skim. Just thought I would share.

Dear Friend,
As you read this, do not feel sorry for me, because I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Syed Aban a merchant in Dubai, U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself) but my business.Though I am very rich, I was never generous, always hostile and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared about. I assumed being a shrewd and mean businessman meant no room for failure in life. But now I regret all this as I know that there is more to life than just wanting to have all the money in the world, and i wish i lived my life better than i did.
Now that God has changed me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I see this as a rebirth for me, a chance to do something right for once, so God can have mercy on me accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Malaysia, and India. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last bulk consignment of my money which no one knows about, is the huge cash deposit of twenty million dollars $20,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and share it to charity organizations. I have set aside 10%for your time and service.Please reply to my personal email at syedaban@sify.com with honesty as soon as you receive this eMail. God be with you.
Syed A. Aban.


To which I said.....

I think I love you. If I were not a complete idiot, the above statement would be true. I can imagine that you sent this out to 1000 people. Given the law of percentages, if 2% replied, you only need one sucker. But let's be honest. Fishing for identities to steal is a rough business. Its like working on commission. If you were selling used cars, and some guy walked up wanting the 2010 Bentley you had for sale for $275,000, you would get this rock hard boner until you realized he was just pulling on your flaccid dreams. Similar to the aforementioned story, I have no desire to help you distribute your millions. Since you have cancer, and I have time, please read below for just a couple of reasons.

You have distributed the "vast" amount of money already to known terrorist countries. Pakistan, Malaysia, India have known ties to Al Qaeda. Just so you know, in the grand USA, that's not a good thing to be touting about to the world. On Halloween, there aren't a lot of little ragheads that come ring doorbells and do the Jihaydi tongue roll for Snickers. It is likely to get you killed. So, the remaining money, in my opinion, should go to a stack of stinger missiles to kill any remaining camel jockeys that ride the Tora Bora mountain range. Bin Laden, no Bin Laden. If you are 10,000 feet above sea level, riding a camel carry a nap sack, let hellfire rain down upon you.

Secondly, if your family is taking advantage of you, why the hell would a complete stranger NOT take advantage of you? If God truly has taught you anything it would be an eye for an eye. Good for your family for raping your wallet since, while you were healthy I am sure you raped their souls with your bitterness. Good for them. Its like taking the shoes off a drive-by victim. As we say in "da hood," HE AIN'T GONNA NEED DEEZ SHOOZ NO MO!"

Third, I had a dream last night that said I needed to open a PO BOX and get ready to accept millions of dollars. Funny you emailed me no less than 8 hours after my dream. Tell you what. Lets just skip the semantics and you just mail me a cashier's check, money order...hell you pick it. No need to get all formal. I am sure my ex-wife doesn't need these recorded assets if you get my meaning. I imagine your harem will be clawing at your bones for spare marrow when you kick it. Same here, but I am still alive.

Finally, let's barter. You say I get 10% for my time, and 90% goes to charity. I am thinking that we should switch that. $2,000,000 to a charity would make any charity happy. 18,000,000 in my pocket would make Viagra unnecessary, and it would be a natural high that could last well beyond 4 hours without needing to call my physician. Get back to me when you get the cashiers check all printed.

Sincerely,

an Infidel