My Fellow Americans

Good evening.

I come before you tonight to discuss all that has happened over the last week in the gulf. We have had a major energy find in the Gulf of Oman.

(Mr. President, there is a large oil spill in the Gulf of MEXICO...not Oman. It is a natural disaster, not a find)

Excuse me, I have just been informed that just this past week, we have struck oil in the Gulf of Mexico. This discovery should allow over 20,000 barrels of new oil production per day. As we speak, engineers are looking to break the world record for the world's largest non-contained natural disaster. Representatives from Guiness are on sigh..

(Mr. President, this spill is not something you should be proud of. Some limey Brit is ruining are way of life. BE FIRM! Stop improvising and just read the script!)

Pardon me a moment, it seems that this is NOT a discovery, rather it is a disaster and one we plan on getting cleaned up in the next few days. My top advisers on the ground are awaiting 300,000 rolls of Bounty to begin skimming 150,000 square miles of ocean to help clean and contain this spill. Since school has been out, I have advised the education department to obtain every Sfork packet from every elementary school across this great country to help with the clean up process. This will serve two purposes. We will use the little Sfork to scoop up any and all oil we see on the surface of the water. Along with the Sfork, we will use the napkins to help clean the Penguins and whales that are getting all dirty.

(Mr. President, there are no penguins in the gulf, and there are no whales that are covered in oil. What the fuck are you reading???)

Since this disaster occurred on June 11th, we have been convening at Camp David engaging in brainstorming sessions, as well as beta testing a new MMA game for the XBOX 360. I have contacted Bill Gates to see if there is any way that Microsoft can begin developing a new game type centered around scrubbing Pelicans with Dawn. I intend to recruit the world's best gamers to help contain this oil from reaching the Horn of Africa.

(For the love of God Barack, seriously, your Presidency is at stake here. Be serious about this. That fucking Pelican photo has gone viral. It is going to end you!)

Right now B1 bombers are in route to Great Britain with instructions to find and terminate Tony Hayward's Welsh Corgi. This is meant to be a warning to him and all the inhabitants of Great Britain, as well as Iceland, that you are no longer welcome to suck the teet of the American people. We have needs and as President of this great province, I will make sure that he pays for all the damage his recklessness has caused the people of Rhode Island. Your Welsh is mine!

(Mr. President, you only have 30 seconds left. Please end this fiasco and find a way to save your legacy.)

In closing, I just want you to know that we are working hard to find the rewind button, or at least the pause button so we can get on top of this thing. I have asked James Cameron to go fishing and pick his brain about a possible solution. If he can create an entire movie about fictional blue people that live in a tree, I have no doubt that he can find away to clean up this mess.

Sic Semper Tyrranis!

B. Obama