Of Course This Happened

This conversation actually took place. The names have not been changed because anyone willing that would sue me over this can't read, or cannot afford the Internet.

8:47PM (knock at the door)(Kid's scream "I'LL GET IT," and scramble to the door. I yell, "SIT DOWNNNNNNN," and get up to get the door. (door opens)

Ariel - Ummmm....hiiiiiii. I need to ask Peyton something?

Me - Is that a question? Want me to shut the door so you can refocus your energy on your tone of voice?

Ariel - I need to ask Peyton something.

Me - I know I heard that part, although bravo on the change in fluctuation. Unfortunately Peyton is in bed already.

Ariel - can you wake her up?

Me - I can but that involves doing something that makes absolutely no sense. It's almost 9PM.

Ariel - Can you wake her up?

Me - What the fuck?? Your like a parrot. Do you always repeat yourself or is it just really organized Tourette's?

Ariel - (stares back blankly)

Me - (waves hand in front of Ariel's face) Anyone home or is your Mom's pre-birth drinking problem kicking in?

Ariel - I need to ask Peyton something

Me - I know...we've been over this already. What do you need to ask her?

Ariel - I need her to sign my shirt.

Me - That's not really a question. That's more of a demand. A question is like a request...like when your Mom said do you have protection and your Dad said no and then....here you are, verbally waterboarding me with your words.

Ariel - Can she sign my shirt?

Me - she can't get her clothes in her fucking drawers while she is awake. Something tells me, like common sense, that she can't do that while in a coma

Ariel - what's a coma?

Me - It's that thing you aren't using in your hair, with an 'A'

Ariel - Can she sign it on Saturday?

Me - Nope.

Ariel - Why?

Me - we practice a really screwy religion where writing instruments aren't used on any day that ends in Y. That pretty much leaves Saturwednessun which, unfortunately for you, doesn't exist.

Ariel - when can she sign it?

Me - about the same time you become tolerable

Ariel - (silence)

Me - soooo...about never. Does that suffice??

Ariel - Maybe?

Me - again with the questions....I have to go tend to my sheep so don't be offended when the door slams

(door slams)

There is a high probability that this girl, accidentally or not, broke my wife's car window. She has a sociopathic look to her that makes me fear for lives of rodents and local door knobs. She eyeballs Peyton's rabbit like it's a pork chop. I know I am getting old behaving like a grump, but I only have so much patience and I reserve it for my family, and my patients. Beyond that, the Future Serial Killers of America can deal with the rest.