I See a Pattern....

Dear Guy in the Gym Bathroom,

You're hot. You are, by far, the hottest guy I have seen come through here. You workout shirt is nice. It's dry, but nice. It matches your shoes and shorts, since we all know working out is a fashion show. You have some imperfections on your face. I see you popping them, shooting Lord knows what onto me. But you're young. Complexion issues are normal at your age. Yes sir. You are one big, hot, flaming bag of hormones.

You still here? I mean, don't get me wrong. I like looking at you, but only for so long. Absence makes the hear grow fonder, if you know what I mean. You probably don't being your nuts dropped just last week. Don't worry about your hair. It's perfect. Almost too perfect for the gym. I don't even know why you are here, really. You look like your metabolism runs overtime in your sleep. You don't need cardio or weight training. You just have to show up. I should know. I see just about everyone that comes in here. You BY FAR are the best. God's gift. Go get 'em tiger!

What? Did you need something else from me? Go workout for Christ's sake. I am getting my workout just by telling you to go workout. Stop admiring yourself and get sweaty. I know you are young but you won't be forever. Pretty soon, the ever-so-touchy balance of gravity will tilt in the favor of Sir Newton. Then, our relationship will sour. Again, nothing you would know about since the closest relationship to a vagina is probably your mother's when she spat you out. You look great, blah, blah...now go on!

OK, look, I was nice before. Now I am just aggravated. You're not nearly as pretty as you think. In fact, you reek of insecurity. The shirt and shorts, albeit coordinated, don't belong in the gym. They belong at Macy's, or at the very least, in your closet. Who works out with a button up shirt? Your pecs need work. Maybe not now, but soon, when your man boobs appear. It is easier to build muscle at a young age. Your hairstyle is not hip, its old. Everyone does the messy look. Stop wearing cologne in the gym. No one cares, drama. It is better to smell musty and look the part then go through the motions. Enjoy your abs, fag, because pretty soon your six pack will be replaced by a half-rack, and I don't mean extra muscles. Keystone Light ring any bells? Of course not. You just got off of Similac. Go away already before I bring you 7 years of bad luck and fuck your emotional shit up by breaking.....homo.


Sincerely,

The Mirror