Kid's Pepto Bismol

First off, let me preface this email by saying, when I was a kid and had an upset stomach, I dealt with it. I am sure I went to my Mom and said, "my tummy hurts," to which my Mom said, "I'm sorry," gave me a hug and sent me back to where I came from. Shit happens, and it usually happens following an upset stomach.

My wife thinks Pepto Bismol is actually medicinal. My teachers had Pepto in their classes, but they used it to write on the chalk board. It wasn't pink. It was white. It is the most worthless drug ever. If people do not agree with me because they have had success with it alleviating some sort of gastrointestinal distress, then you have some sort of mental ailment that doctor's have called HYPOCHONDRIA and should seek more bullshit help to cure that as well.

Now, they have kids Pepto and my wife is happy. So when our daughter whines.....again.....about something that ails her, there will be a remedy. My daughter comes to me the other night and says, "Dad, my tummy hurts." So? Get over it. Of course, this response was triggered by something that has happened in the past, say, 10 minutes ago, when she complained that her socks hurt her feet. Now, I didn't say a word when she told me this, other than, "I'm sorry."

What else is there to say? I am thinking of removing all of her secondary organs NOW so that she does not have to think that a random pain in her side is appendicitis. Kids Pepto would limit all of her GI issues, according to my wife. I,, on the other hand, have a different remedy for what ails her.

Complaint - "My butt hurts."
Remedy - Stop shitting your pants. Poop is acidic and eats the flesh of your anus. Use the toilet. Don't be so damn lazy.

Complaint - "My feet hurt"
Remedy - Then run really fast into the front door. That way, the pain in your head will distract you from the pseudo-pain in your feet.

Complaint - "I am hungry. I want a snack."
Remedy - Then eat your damn food when it is in front of you. It's called breakfast/lunch/dinner.

Complaint - "The puppy scratched me."
Remedy - It was a defense mechanism for you pulling on his ears. Don't do that.

Complaint - "My tummy hurts."
Remedy - I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the last one is somewhat callous and cold, but understand, the other complaints have all happened just prior to the final tummy statement. I think I heard a boy cry wolf. Not sure. One thing I AM sure of. If the kids had Pepto Bismol, according to my wife, my daughter would become immortal.