No.....Way Did You Just Ask That...

Last night, I moved us. I moved most of us. My brother's girlfriend came and helped which was incredibly awesome of her to do. By no means do I want to sound as if I am not grateful (she may read this so I want her to know) as this post is not even about her, or moving. Well its kind of about moving. She will laugh as I will. Hopefully you will. If you were there when it happened you certainly would have laughed. Being it was her and I and some douche bag, well, just read on.

I am moving 60 yards. Now, that sounds pretty easy. If I could fit all my shit into a hamster ball, I would have simply pushed it upstairs. I can't so I got a cargo van from Uhaul. This isn't even the final move. The house may close soon. If it does we will be moving permanently. We moved to another apartment in the complex. We were in the G building. Now we are in the 'I' building. Yes, alphabetical, so yes, not a long move. It is around the corner, literally, from our old apartment.

Those of you that know me, well, this is my luck. It has been my luck for a long time now. My penance is....this activity of touching everything we own at least 2 times a year. I have to move stuff, our stuff, in a cargo van, taking many trips, all day, exhausting myself, and cussing up a storm in my mind because we still have a tea set in a box marked "please take me" from 4 garage sales ago. We have too much stuff. We probably all do, but you don't realize it until you have to tax your body to move it. I am taxed. I am fully taxed, both physically and emotionally.

So last night, as I was taking a load over, someone had parked their Nissan Maxima in my driveway and left it running. I am about 9 hours into a move, a lot of it done, still a lot to go and my brother's girlfriend riding shotgun. We stop behind this running car in our driveway. We wait. We play rock paper scissors. We counted sheep. LOTS of sheep. We read Moby Dick, alternating every other chapter....twice. Still no driver. Car running....no driver. Sounds like entertainment for me any other night. But not now. I accidentally honk like a murderer accidentally stabs its victim 31 times. Nothing. So I put it in park and started unloading.

A few trips back and forth from the van to the garage, an older gentleman walks from around the corner about the time I am vacating my garage. We made eye contact. He says, and I quote, "oh geez...am I in your way?" W.........T.........FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! No, asshole, you aren't in my way. You made it easier for me to lose weight off my ginormous ass because I have to sidestep your chariot. No, you aren't in my way. In fact, I had to park here so I could shake your damn hand. You are far too special to me at this very moment to be in my way. When I left my old apartment, I was praying to God, not for our loan to close or for a fire to burn all the extra shit we have....I was praying for some old asshole to be parking where he shouldn't be. Sure enough....BAM! There you were. So thank you. Thank you for taking the space I needed to get close enough to unload this 90 pound cardboard box of books. Honestly, my lumbar region thanks you. My sweat glands thank you. But most importantly, I thank you for saving me that 1/100th of a mile I will not have to pay for when I return this bitch tomorrow to Uhaul.

Some people ask the dumbest, most rhetorical questions. I am learning that they are usually asked while moving.