No Solicitation

If you have a front door, then you can relate. Salesman suck. They don't suck as much as crabs, walking in the garage and stepping on glass, 2AM slumber interruptions from your kids informing you that their feet hurt, a kick in the balls, or being ass raped by a grizzly bear, but they suck. I understand we all have to make a living. I respect people that want to make money to pay for crack since they aren't related to the dealer. I admire someone who feels a job should help pay for fellatio from a total stranger. I think it builds character. The job, not the oral sex. But stop knocking on my door....especially when I have a sign that says not to.

The sign is a chance to think about what you are about to do next. You have one of two options. First, you could knock and get an ass chewing by me, made fun of, ridiculed for your inability to follow written instructions, making you UNEMPLOYABLE at such places as....Walmart! Or you could stop, read and move along. Seems simple really. It isn't like we are the only people out in the country. We have other houses around us. We have people more than willing to eat your yummy meat so you can pay some skank to do the same. Adults that come by and sell me shit are the ones that get me. I shouldn't get mad at kids, really, because they don't have the life experience to know better. Who better to teach them but me?

We had a kid from the neighborhood come by yesterday and ring the doorbell, right around the time I was trying to do something important like euthanize an earwig. I went to the door ready to spew my tirade when low and behold a kid was standing there selling me a fucking nest. A nest! Why the hell would anyone want to buy a nest? It was made out of twigs, grass and mud, setting his nest apart from every other fucking avian condo I have ever seen how? My door was open about 5 inches and he was giving me his schpeel about how I could own this nest for just $10 when I wondered why the door was open at all. I heard $10 and was floored. Where did he compare his prices? Was there a market survey about nest prices...USED nest prices in the 99336 zip code? Then I looked him head to toe and he had the hygiene of a crack addict's kid. The term "dime bag" came to mind....and then the $10 tag made sense.

"How was work Daddy?"

"Daddy got fired you little bastard...go sell that nest in the front tree for some crack cash."

I simply said "no," and started to shut the door, and he put his foot in the door and said, "please....its only $10!" Most people would see, "awww.....he is probably hungry or something....poor kid." I don't have the patience for compassion. I said "no, but I will consider shitting in an ALbertson's bag and trading you for the nest. Shit for shit seems fair." He just stared blankly, so I said "Walmart bag?" He shook his head no and made a scrunched up, icky face. I guess he knows Walmart better than Albertson's.

...and we have come full circle...