Tiger....Tiger...Tiger....

I was going to bed as the midnight Sportscenter was just beginning. I hear the anchors talking about an "uncut interview" with Tiger Woods. Uncut? Hmmmm...I didn't hear anyone say unscripted. Why not...five minutes. What the FUCK? Only one thing is echoing in my mind.

Interviewer: "Why didn't you get treatment before things got out of hand?"

Tiger : I didn't know I was that bad...

Are you KIDDING me? Was it the 34th hooker and the multiple anal sex partners that pushed towards the realization that, OOPS, that's too far...I believe I have a problem? Come ON dude....you want the public to see you as broken and humble and then you come out and say you didn't know you had a problem with attempting to fuck the western hemisphere? You have possibly sewed more oats than the Amish. The sockeye salmon honor your abundance of man gravy. You need to be in a circus. You got mad juggling skills.

I have some new sponsor ideas for you. I mean, good bye squeaky clean image, bro. Nothing you can do will ever make the notion of you wanting that that Samson chick to "be your fucking whore" disappear. Embrace the new you. You like ass. Fine. You like a lot of ass. Welcome to manhood. You married a swedish bikini model and were bored....you DUMBASS MOTHERFU....(compose). Back to my ideas. I haven't seen a KY commercial worth a shit. I'd buy KY to be like Eldrick. Like, "Eldrick your prick to make it slick?" Just an idea. You are the marketing genius. You could sell ice to Eskimos. How about trojan minis? When you have just enough to pork #40....Trojan mini's, "it catches basically all that's left." No? Ok, well since Nike is probably gonna drop you soon, maybe you should start a shoe line called Ghetto Foot Wear. "Wear ghetto....get white chicks?" Too rascist? Right, because you are concerned about what people think.

Welcome to humanity Tiger. That burning sensation you feel when you pee isn't your career flaming out....that's gonorrhea.