I'm Not Discriminating, I Hate You Equally

My wife and I are in the process of hiring someone to take my son to and from school this fall and provide after school care. Realizing that I am going to be commuting to Toppenish just about every day, or buried in a book any day I am NOT commuting, and also realizing that it would cost about $1000 to have him go elsewhere, the nanny search had begun.

My wife posted an ad on craigslist searching for someone to provide the above services at $400 a month. I expected, well, an epic fail since craigslist doesn't provide much except for moving boxes and chlamydia. Yet, to my surprise she had several responses, and resumes, and follow up emails, none of which promised $300,000,000 in US DOLLARS with providing a DNA sample. Shocked, I remained hopeful that someone would be willing to do the impossible. There was one person in particular that sticks out, and not in a good way. She was pregnant, and was discarded right away since (A) she was due when school started and (B) my kids would not be a priority no matter how much she claimed otherwise. Frankly, that's the way it should be. My wife and I both figured stating those facts, "best of luck, but we are excluding you just from our past experiences with pregnant/new mothers and their ability to do the job." Was that enough? Nope. She felt discriminated against. She felt like we should not disregard her qualifications because she is having a baby just about the time she needs to start. I wanted to email her back, but my wife said no. I had to say SOMETHING. I was going to explode. YAY FOR BLOGS!

I hate clowns. Pennywise from 'It' pretty much fucked up my life as far as clowns go. Sorry Ronald McDonald, but I will not sit on the bench with you, no matter how inanimate you are. I hate spiders, so Charlotte can kiss my ass too. The Colonel is creepy and reminds me of a pedophile. I don't look at watermelon the same after I ate it as a kid while incubating a stomach virus and promptly threw up the watermelon. Not the watermelons fault, but tell that to my memory of seeing the watermelon seeds floating around in the toilet next to the bile. The list can go on, but I think you get my point. Past experiences have made a few things in my life unbearable. Putting up with stupid is just one more thing that is hard to stomach. So having someone feel excluded because they want to breed rather than have a career is asinine. Yes, its your choice to stay open like 7-11, just like its mine to disregard your interest in being our nanny for the same reason.

Now she claims that she always keeps promises and won't be like those other people. Whatever. So, Nostradamus, when you look into the crystal ball and the birth happens, tell me, will my son BE in school already, and who the fuck will pick him up? Just so you know, every birth is different, as are the complications that can accompany said birth. What is your uterus falls on the floor and you bleed out? Then what? What if there are complications and you are in the hospital for a few days? Sorry, but I can't come into work because I had a stroke from pushing this watermelon out of my nostril. Baby has pink eye. Baby is shitting swords so I can't make it. Yes your husband is home and can take care of the baby, making it possible for you to come to my house and care for my kids. This begs the question, what is you get post-partem depression and kill my children? Does he work? If he doesn't work, I can tell you from experience these little people cost bucks to care for and $400 doesn't cover much.

So many questions that need answers but frankly, we don't want to deal with them, so we kindly parted ways, via the Internet. I don't know her story and it doesn't really matter. I am sure she will find another happy opportunity via craigslist. Until then, best of luck. About the only thing I DO know after all of this is that spiders still suck.