No Playing at 9:30PM

When we had a our garage sale a few weeks ago, there was a lady that came over to rifle through our stuff. In tow, she had her daughter, shy as the day is long. Now, I can remember being 7. I was a complete ham. I don't think I was ever the type to hide behind a thunder thigh. However, my wife insisted on making conversation thinking it would be in our best interest to make sure Peyton had a friend in the neighborhood. Being the cynical one, my first reaction was that this mother would treat our house like a pawn shop and let her daughter come over whenever she had a trick coming by. My wife insisted that she was sure this lady was not like that. No? You go to bed before the sun goes down. I want to see our neighborhood at night. She has a red porch light. She talks like Steven Wright. She has the mental capacity of a gnat and full lips. Do the math.

About 9:30PM last night, the doorbell rang. Now, I was working, and heard the story from my wife, but I believe it went about like this.

(Gus barks, wife stirs wondering if she actually dreamt that)
(wife gets up, Gus barks again just as an added nuisance)

(wife opens door, there is neighbor's daughter) Can Peyton play?

Wife says no, she is sleeping, maybe tomorrow. (door closes)

This was handled all wrong. It's like a choose your own adventure book. You buy one for $5 you might as well get use out of all the pages. My wife just went from page 1 to back cover. Boooorrrriiinnnnggggggg. Let's try this...

(I get up, see darkness, Gus barks) Shut up Gus! (dog cowers)

(unlock door. See potential homeless girl standing there) Can Peyton play?

Eli: Seriously? It's fucking dark out. What were you going to play? Steal the Bose?

girl: Huh?

Eli: Why are you not in bed? Reading? Listening to Kid Bop on your iPod. Petting Fluffy, playing with Barbies, bathing, or something other than ringing a doorbell at 9:30 at night?

girl: (stares blankly)

Eli: Is your Mom home? Got a John coming by?

girl: Who's John?

Eli: Not John..."a" John. Nevermind. My daughter is asleep as most 7-year olds are at 930 at night.

girl: but it's the summer

Eli: No shit. You know what you should do? Go get your reproductive organs removed. Yes, please do that. That statement right there says that 3 months out of the year, the copial Olympics occur at your house. First one to get burning urination gets the gold. Am I right? When you begin to bleed for 5 days and not die, you will then have a baby....because it's summer. Fuck sleeping....let's go have random sex. Right? Leave my daughter out of it, OK? She sleeps at night time Dr. Draco.

girl: OK (turns to leave)

Eli: wait....(girl turns to face me, smiling thinking I was going to change my mind) Take these.

girl: what are these?

Eli: Condoms. Have two. One for you later in life..although probably not much later, and one for your Mom so you don't happen again.

girl: but...(door closes)

I like my way better. However, I will miss my wife when she goes to Heaven and, well, I don't. There is a cost for certain types of humor....