Costco on a Sunday

There are lots of things you should avoid as a human being. Putting your head in an oven. Shouldn't do that. Microwaving your cell phone wrapped in tinfoil, stuffed into an empty soup can. Shouldn't do that either. Bathe in battery acid. I have heard that is a no-no. Put Ben Gay on your dog's private parts. My brother did that once in high school. Probably a bad idea. Funny at 15, but not a good idea. Going to Costco on a Sunday is another one of those "are you seriously retarded" moments. I was retarded this past Sunday and did just that.

It isn't the fact that its busy. I can accept busy. Busy is not the right word for Costco on a Sunday. It is overwhelming. It's like 48 hours before a hurricane at Home Depot in St. Petersburg. It feels like a shopping spree at Toys R' Us for the not-so-privileged. It is over sized carts and one-armed sweeps. It is an over-abundance of the not-really-necessary. It is a chance to get things that in real life you don't need that much of but....it's right there in front of you and it's only $12. Two gallons of Cranberry-Pomegranate juice for $9? Hell yes! You may not know what it tastes like, but it's TWO GALLONS! That's $4.50 a gallon, $.07 an ounce and a cleaner urinary tract. That's a venti anything at Starbucks. Gotta do it.

This is the day, more so than normal, that the sample zombies come out. If you want to sample the newest appetizer, go on Sunday. I think half of the people shopping are just going for lunch. With 100 different samples to try, you can eat for free and get out without having to spend an arm and a leg for 269 Huggies diapers in a box that requires a travel trailer and 300 bungee cords. My wife and I followed a cart with an older couple that tried everything they came across. When I say everything, I mean everything. Whatever the sample, they had it. They both had it. Their cart remained empty through every isle. I was sure of the fact that these people were there just for the samples. We parted ways after about 66 samples, mostly because we actually were there to buy something. I couldn't get over the fact that they even sampled a medicine cup full of Splenda brown sugar. Who does that? Costco-ites, that's who. Stupid samples....

My brother went to take some shorts back to Costco back in 1997 (time unknown actually, but since he will be reading this, I figure I will exaggerate for fun) and was walking through the front door to the return counter. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a Costco Centurion guard approach, spear in hand, and grabbed my brothers arm to let him know that he shall not pass without the golden ticket. Feeling threatened and weaponless, he dropped the shorts and walked out, vowing never to return to Costco after his brush with death. To this day, he will not go back. It is kind of like an alien abduction. In his defense, I will say that the people that "guard" the entrance are pretty worthless. Even if the membership card is not valid, they will not be able to check out anyway. So why be so....brash? He doesn't go to Costco on Sunday or any other day that ends in "Y." One less customer.

Even Rome fell eventually.

The insanity that is Costco on a Sunday is really indescribable, even with the many words above. It is not something to experience. That is what the Eiffel Tower is for. I am sure there needs to be a disclaimer for that particular day. Shop at your own risk and watch for peeling flesh and puddles of drool. The zombies are about...