I'll Stick With the Ailment, Thanks!

A friend of mine is embarking on training for a fitness competition. I think that's awesome. I cannot even fathom what it would take to remain focused and disciplined enough to avoid everything that this world will throw her way. She shall remain nameless out of respect for her. We got to talking about body fat percentages, what's healthy and what isn't. The lower a woman's body fat is, the less likely they are to have a period. Makes sense. I got to thinking about some of the ailments we suffer as individuals and the bullshit we have to put up with taking drugs to alleviate the symptoms related to said bullshit. I decided that, for the sake of my own insanity, I would pick a few of these "ailments," and dive a little further into curing them...and what someone would have to put up with.

Let's start with restless leg syndrome, or RLS for short. The drug used to cure your restless legs is called REQUIP, which is an FDA approved drug. Side effects include, back pain, depression, arthritis, insomnia, nocturnal cramps (which I imagine are lame, as compared to nocturnal emissions. One makes you smile, the other makes you say WTF?!?!?! I'll let you decide for yourself), spontaneous sweats...oh, and narcolepsy, which would be awesome driving 70 MPH over the Columbia River, don't you think? All this shit because you can't stop fidgeting? Sure, RLS might be something else, but I don't care. My post, my rules. I'd rather have twitchy legs.

Next we have menses. Yes, the beloved period. Apparently, its a pain in the ass; PMS, and all that other bullshit. They have made a cure for men already for PMS. Several actually, ranging anywhere from Keystone Light to Jack Daniels. However, they now have a drug that will cut your periods from 12 a year to 4. Sounds like a winner. However, Astra, as the drug is called can really mess you up. Hypertension, cramps, BLEEDING, blood clots, deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, MOOD SWINGS (sounds a lot like the regular PMS, doesn't it?0, bleeding from your eyes and/or ears. The list goes on. I look at it this way, God created the menstrual cycle. Since God made this cycle, and God is woman (so I have heard), don't you think that cleaning your uterus every 28 days is a good idea? Please, give me (or the woman in my life) all 12 periods. Sounds better than the alternative.

I figured if you are still with me, I will share one more so that you can go on to bigger and better things. Depression is not a joke. At least not to a person going through it. People all upset because it's raining is a different story. "But my doctor told me its cuz it rains" doesn't validate an illness. He is in the business for customer (patient) retention. Best cure for seasonal depression is a 24 foot U-Haul and a map. Other than that, stop whining. Cymbalta is a popular anti-depressant meant to cure those clinically depressed for one reason or another (guinea pig/beta fish/turtle/dog/cat/ex-spouse/mistress/ dying, on top of other things) and should be taken at proper dosage to have full effect. However, nothing says I AM HAPPY like public incontinence, which is a side effect of Cymbalta. Imagine, already hating life. Wife says take this little pill and all will be better. On the drive to the mall, you start to feel somewhat euphoric. You get out of the car, take a deep breath feeling like life is actually pretty awesome right now. You grab your wife's hand as a non-verbal "thank you for caring enough about you to give me this drug." You lean over to kiss her cheek while you are walking, open the door for her and then **BAM**, you shit yourself. People look at you and the shit running onto your shoes. They laugh. Now, tell me what is so anti-depressing about that? That's just ONE side effect. Couple that with bizarre behavior; bloody or black, tarry stools; blurred vision; confusion; dark urine; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; excessive sweating; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever or chills; hallucinations; memory loss; new or worsening aggressiveness, agitation, anxiety, hostility, impulsiveness, irritability, panic attacks, restlessness, or inability to sit still; pale stools; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; ringing in the ears; seizures; severe or persistent dizziness or headache; severe or persistent nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea; severe or persistent tiredness or weakness; severe or persistent trouble sleeping; stiff muscles; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; trouble urinating or change in the amount of urine produced; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; unusual weakness; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; worsening of depression; yellowing of the skin or eyes and you tell me....

wouldn't you rather just be depressed?

I think I'll just take the ailment....