My Downstairs Neighbors

If you can't beat them, wear a mask and try again.

It seems it stays quiet until bed time, and then all hell breaks loose. At what time would singing LDS hymns at 10:44PM sound like a good idea? They did this, as my kids told me later, while an infant was crying. In order to mask the sound of a screaming baby, we larger humans will try screaming as well. Forget that it is LDS. I don't care what color the religion was. My point is, this shit needs to stop...immediately.

"Why don't you go ask them to be quiet," you ask? I have. I have knocked on the door and stood there, without saying anything, and burned Moroni in effigy, yet, they sit back and smile, looking as if the 12th can of whip cream that was just inhaled is definitely not the last. My daughter went down to play with one of their feral children and came back up 9 minutes later complaining of the smell. Something doesn't make me feel comfortable knowing the lady watching my child cannot see her hand in front of her face. That, or she is rather tolerant of her kids walking on the counters and dangling from the window sill like dander. Either way, I might go nuts here soon....very....soon.

The real kicker was the guy asking me what I was doing this coming Sunday. I am all for religion, having God in your life. Stating I have God in my life entitles the receiver of said information an invitation to stop soliciting me to go to church with you. Your minivan seats 7. You plus Joseph Smith's bounty on your wife's vagina equals 7 already. No room and both my cars blew a head gasket and cannot drive. Walk? No...my kids have spina bifida and their knuckles aren't used to the pressure. I know you saw them playing yesterday, they just got it last night. The bikes have flat tires, stop looking in my garage. The skateboard isn't mine, unless its your son's and he left it in front of my door, then it IS mine and forever will be. Along with this scooter. Yes I tithe...I tithe the shit your kids leave around my front door, like this broken branch off that dead tree, this raccoon hat, Daniel Boone, and this set of Junie B. Jones books. Yes, you can have the dead bird. Probably ridden with Avian flu. Would I be interested in watching the Mormon National Convention on your TV? You mean the 14 inch color TV I see you all huddled around while playing pong? No I saw it already. From 1994? I missed that one, but I can't imagine it can be more riveting than the bamboo shoots in my toenails I have planned in the next 5 1/2 minutes. Can't be late for that. I know, my reluctance seems contrived but I really need to get going. I have found a bitch to fill full of semen. No, my bulldog. Long story...the short version is I would rather jerk him off into a tube than spend 9.5 hours in church with you today. But thank you for asking. Would I like to come over for some punch? No not really. Why? Have you ever seen the story about the Heaven's Gate cult? Oh, and you look like shit in purple velour.

Nice shoes though, wandering eye....